I’m homesick. I’ve cried myself to sleep so many nights in a row I’ve lost count. I feel shit. I’m scared. I’m anxious. But If I left now, I would only go home to the same shit I ranaway from.
My mum will still be dead, my dad would still have fucked off. My sister will still be in a stable house and relationship & I’ll just be sad, lonely, miserable britney, again. But even more so than before because I would have given up on my one way ticket out of there.
My sister Billie told me at the beginning of this year, while we were sitting in a cafe surrounded by people that theres ‘absolutely nothing wrong with running away’. I always believed growing up that to fix your problems, you had to face them. But in some cases that is absolutely the opposite. If you’re miserable somewhere, why the fuck would you want to stay there and try to resolve your shitty problems that probably won’t change? Honestly for so fucking long I tried to make shit work. So long. Looking back now I have no idea why because it truly didn’t pay off.
Everything in my life, I believe, teaches me something. Wither it is resilience, strength, bravery, love or kindness. A lesson is a lesson in the end. My first job at the beginning of this year was shit. That was one of the lowest times in my life. I was so unbelievably anxious all the time just from one person who I let intimidate me. I would literally sit in my car every morning and cry. I wrote a lot of stuff down in my notebook because that helped me spit out all the shit I had trapped inside me – but it didn’t really ease my pain. I did my 3 month stint there and after a few mishaps, I finished up.
That situation taught me how to deal with dickheads. I found out how I don’t like to be treated and I realised that my happiness and mental state was way more important than any good paying, full time job.
I honestly think I’m feeling this way right now because its so new to me. Being on my own, that is. I’ve been so attached to people my whole life.. I cling to people that are closest to me in the hopes that they won’t leave. Most times they leave anyways.
I adored my dad. I was such a daddy’s girl. Me and ash both were; we went to rugby practices every Tuesday & Thursday with him. We would ALWAYS be at rugby on Saturdays and you’d always find us up in the club rooms after the game munching on kbars, hot chips and a fizzy drink.
After he left, and I saw how much pain my mum was in.. so I clung to her. She was the only constant thing I had. She was my absolute world. I literally wouldn’t stay at friends places or really go anywhere because I didn’t want to be away from her. She was honestly like a best friend more than a mum. I slept beside her for a solid 5 years and honestly if she was still here now, I probably still would be. I could tell her anything I wanted, I’d scream, yell, cry, shout, laugh.. everything with her & she loved me just as I was… But then she got sick. We shared some great years together during those times but she couldn’t fight anymore. I lost her. I lost the one person who picked up all the broken pieces and made it look effortless.
I then just clung to two long term relationships – they kept me safe. I was comfortable. But sadly, good things can end too.
Now that I’m overseas, all on my own… my only thing to cling to now is me. I’m the only constant thing I have 24/7. My body is the thing that I wake up to everyday. I shower, feed, dress and hangout with myself. I am the only thing that I can grantee that will not leave me.
Change is a fucking scary thing. But whats scarier is missed opportunities, lost time and regret. Who fucking knows where this will take me, but I bet it will be one hell of a journey. I’ll have some fantastic stories to tell, meet people who will be like family and see the world by doing it.
One step at a time.. even if its just one tinnnnyyyy step, that is progress. And progress is great. Keep going, grasshopper. Cling to those feet of yours and follow your yellow brick road home. You’ll truly never know until you go.
“I love the person I’ve become, because I fought to become her.”
Britney rose x