Being here, I feel the complete opposite. NEVER In my wildest dreams, would I have never imagined I’d be where I am today.
It never use to be like this for me though…
I fucking hated high school. I hated everything about it. I was literally so depressed there. Everyday was so shit, especially after I lost mum. I hated everything. I felt so lost and alone. I started to eat my feelings & gain weight and then stopped eating. I struggled so much with so much shit. I hid so much from everyone about how down and low I was. I was struggling so badly with my grades, I hated how different I felt compared to my friends… everyone had normal lives, with at least one parent. I didn’t have either. I didn’t have my own parents to go home to. I didn’t know what it felt like to sit in the car with my mum or dad and just not talk – its such a weird feeling to try and explain but I would give anything to just go for a ride in the car with my mum one more time and just sit there… no awkward silence or anything because we are both just comfortable. Ahhhhh my dream.
anyways I went through such a rough time throughout my last few years at high school. I got chubby, then skinny. People who thought I was just some weird girl started to notice me. Boys wanted to hangout with me. People cared. Its such a strange feeling to try and force happiness on yourself when all you want is the ground to swallow you, whole.
I thought after high school, all my worries would fade. The sun would come out and I’d be me again.
FUCK WAS I WRONG.
The opposite happened. I was more depressed than I had ever been before. I would literally cry myself to sleep at night and beg for it to just end. I was in so much pain physically and emotionally. I needed my mum then more than ever and no matter what I did, I couldn’t have her. I never listened to music anymore, hated what I saw in the mirror. Hardly ate anything because I just felt so shit. Never saw my family because I hated who I was and I was so scared if they saw how I was, I’d worry them all. My iron levels were scarily low. I just wanted to end my life. I thought it would be so much easier for my family to plan my funeral then for me to feel like this for the rest of my life. It was the scariest time & I truly didn’t think I could go on very longer.
Now I know all that was wrong was my environment. I was stuck in the same place where so much shit had gone wrong that I was just expecting more shit. I was literally bringing shit to upon myself, just waiting for it. I was constantly waiting for the next person to leave or the next person to fuck me over. Living on edge is the scariest feeling, especially when all you want is to jump off & end it right there.
I’m so glad I never went through with all the shitty things I had planned.
I didn’t NEED to be saved, by anyone. But all I wanted was someone to save me. I thought that would be the answer but I was the answer to all my problems all along but for so long I thought I needed something or someone more to help fix me. But…I was never broken, just a little jumbled and mixed up.
Its one of the best feelings to wake up everyday, excited to be alive. For so long, I just wanted to never wake up. I hated when my alarm would go off & remind me that I was still breathing – now I’m usually awake waiting for my alarm to go off so I can start my day.
I’m heart broken that I hated myself and my life that much that all I wanted to do was end it & leave all my beautiful family behind. Mum would have literally killed me for wanting giving up when she fought so hard to stay here and I think that’s what made me stay.
Never remove yourself from the equation. Remove yourself from the situation…but never feel like you’re the problem. You aren’t. I felt worthless and shit for so long, I felt like I was so easy to leave behind and I was truly just waiting for people to leave me. I ended up pushing so many people away, ones that probably wouldn’t have even left me.
It’s a long dark tunnel when you’re depressed. I was never medically diagnosed with depression, I never wanted to be told that was wrong with me. But I know it was a pretty bad situation I was in mentally. No one should ever want to end their lives over temporary problems. It’s literally a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It’s just temporary. All your worries will fade and it will all make sense one day.
Life does get better and I’m living proof.
My dad left, mum got so sick and died, I was so depressed, hardly ate, did shit in school and pushed everyone close to me away…
Now I’m driving range rovers, hanging out in penthouses, going to Hawaii at the beginning of January, getting paid to live in this sick as fuck house, I go to the coolest gym and hangout with some awesome people. I literally live the coolest life – better than any dream.
I never thought this is where I’d end up, but I’m so glad that this is where I am. I haven’t felt this happy and free all at once before. My broken little heart is fixed and the light in my life is shining brighter than ever before. I am so unbelievably happy here and I’m so proud of myself for doing this.
Keep going little caterpillar. Just wait for your wings to grow and then learn how to use them 😍🙌🏼👋🏼
Britney rose x