Hey strangers, haven’t written anything in a few weeks… Not too sure why but I haven’t felt like anything I had to say had enough purpose to be posted so I just didn’t write.
My last post was about me realising how dark this past year was for me. And as I’ve said from the very beginning, this is my space. My place to let whatever I want, run free. This space isn’t for anyone else and I don’t write for anyone else. I don’t want to please people with my writing, I just want to be honest and put it all completely out there. No sugar coating, no colourful filters, just life. Just me. Just bee.
I guess I haven’t written anything in awhile because I felt like I was just saying the same shit over and over. This is a whole new world that I’ve chucked myself into. I left all the comfort I’ve ever had, behind. Its such a huge change but one of the best feelings I’ve ever experienced. I kinda wanted to just keep some of that to myself so I backed off a bit from this little space.
Soooooo whats been happening in the last few weeks you might ask? Well apart from the normal 7-5 hours, packing school lunches and driving the range, not a hell of a lot. I’ve been living at the gym, watching way too many netflix movies & eating broccoli like its going out of style.
We’re starting to plan our trip to Hawaii in January. From ziplining, to cage diving with sharks… it is still so insane to me that I am here, doing this. All the things I will take from this experience will be insane. I’ve already grown so much from the time I’ve been here. I feel so much more confident – because I had to be. And i think chucking yourself into the deep end is one of the most rewarding things you could ever do for yourself.
“They wanna see you do good, but never better than them. Remember that.”
i’ve always been such a preacher of this quote. It’s so real & so true. and its been shown to me so much since moving here. Some people back home, I’m sure, would have LOVED to see me fail at this. Me coming home after finding it too hard would have just made their day… and i think thats why I’ve pushed myself so hard to stay here and stick it out. I didn’t want to be the girl who just left because it got too hard. I want to be the girl that people want to be. I want someone to look at me and think “fuck she’s so brave.. I want to be that brave.”
People can say what they like. People can interrupt shit to suit how they’re feeling. People can read way more into something when it isn’t even intended that way. & They will. I guess it helps them deal with their own shit too, in a way. But i think as long as you are confident with how you’re feeling and what you’re doing, then it shouldn’t matter to you.
I come from a small town where chinese whispers happens way too often. People get so caught up in other peoples lives because they’re so bored in their own. I love Hawera. its my home. My mums buried there, most of my family lives there.. i grew up there. But sometimes distancing yourself from everything, makes you see things so much more clearer.
Its a beautiful but strange feeling to walk down an unfamiliar street & know that no one knows you. I can be anyone I want here. I can be me. 100% me. Theres nothing to hide or worry about because absolutely no one knows my past and has nothing to hold against me… and I truly can’t tell you how freeing that feeling is.
I’ve been thinking a lot about whats next for me once my Sydney adventure comes to an end. Contikis are at the very top of my list. I’d also love to volunteer in Africa and build a well or help there in some way. I’d love to work in the mountains in Canda or work with wild horses in California. I love this job I have right now and my family is perfect for me, which makes me feel like if i went to another nannying job next year or whatever & things weren’t like they are now, it could ruin the whole thing for me. Like I feel like I’ve lucked out in a way & I don’t want to make this nannying experience to end up being a bad one because so far its been unreal. Who can literally say their first week of work they were flown to Melbourne and stayed in a penthouse? ME!? I’m dreaming and I never want to wake up…x
I don’t know whats next for me in this crazy life of mine. But all I know is that I didn’t come this far to only come this far. Theres so much more out there for me. So many beautiful souls waiting to add something to my story. So many places I’m left to visit. How cool is it to think that some of the best experiences of my life haven’t even happened yet?it is insane…
Not sure when I’ll write next but I’m sure you’ll be seeing me again soon.
Britney rose x