I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ❌


I’ll never understand this universe.

One minute everything is absolutely beautiful, things are all going smoothly and life could not be better. Then, without even blinking, everything falls to shit & it seems like the sun will never shine again.
I’ve been robbed of so much for so long. And it honestly seems like every single person or thing I try and make a connection with, leaves. I let someone in, they get to know me and then boom. Bye brits. 
I don’t want to grow old all bitter & unhappy because thats not destined for me. I understand life was never meant to be all glitter and rainbows. Honestly it would be boring if nothing went wrong. But it just seems like when bad stuff happens, its like a field day. SO much shit stuff all piled into one big shitty pile. 
I think grief is a journey. One that never truly gets better, we just get use to it. Honestly its been almost 5 years since our little giant left the world and it stings everyday. There truly isn’t a day since she left that I’ve felt completely and utterly, complete. Sure, I’ve had some fucking good times in the last 5 years. But nothing thats ever made me stop looking for her in a crowd.
Its honestly the weirdest feeling to still believe she’s coming home, even after seeing her tiny, cold body all dressed up in her coffin… I still feel like I’m on an episode of punk’d, waiting for mum to jump out from the curtain and laugh about how good she tricked me.

OH how funny that would be.
I have so much to give this world, these people that are in my life & the ones I am yet to meet. I have something to give. 

Its scary to think I was so close to giving up and flying off to be with mum because imagine how upset my mum would have been to think her baby didn’t want to live anymore. 
It was never a person or a thing that made me that depressed. sure, they added fuel to the fire but it was purely me. I think thats how i dealt with it, trying to lesson the pain. I would literally try and calm myself down by telling myself I won’t be here much longer so just enjoy yourself now. that sounds harmless but I didnt mean it in the ‘life is short’ context. I meant that I’d be killing myself one day soon so just smile while you need to, to get through the days until then. 
HOW FUCKED UP.
I am so sorry to myself and to everyone who cares about me that i thought like that. I would have absolutely ruined my family if i left, I know that now. They care about me. They love me. It took me moving over here to actually get that through my brain.
People care about you. You are loved. You mean something.
My heart is hurting and my head is a mess. I ache to think about how much I’m missing out on and how much it would be killing mum to not be here with us. Life is so unfair but i think thats what makes it beautiful.

we are never granted stuff. Tomorrow isn’t always a thing and we may only have this one chance to do or say what we need to.
Its a tricky game, this whole life thing.

But I’m going to give it my absolute best. Love all I can, laugh until I die and make every second a moment of pure beauty.
And when death comes knocking at my door, years and years down the track – it’ll have nothing left to take from me because I would have lived the fullest, happiest, freest life this world has seen.
FreeBee.x

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