TIMING

I absolutely hated when people would tell me that everything happens for a reason and timing is everything. 
Liars. 

So much shit happens and there’s no good reason for it what so ever. (Well that’s what I use to think. I was so bitter that I didn’t look for the light. I hated everything which made everything else that followed, suck).
When you’re looking through a tunnel, all you can see is the distance ending. Tunnel vision is just one way sight, you can’t see what is around you. The light at the end of the tunnel is sometimes nice but what about everything in between? It’s not always about the destination, sometimes it’s all about the journey. 
The end destination in life that we’ll all meet one way or another is death. We work our whole lives away to just eventually die. We get up early, work all day and go to sleep – just to die. 

Well that’s actually just one way of looking at things really fucking negatively but I do have a point so bare with me.
We take life so seriously when all that’s going to happen is that we die. We aren’t here forever – whatever is happening, good or bad, is so temporary. Even if it feels like this won’t ever end, it will. The pain you’re feeling, that’ll pass. You’ll be happy again. You’ll probably be sad again too. And angry. And lonely. But you’ll be happy too. You’ll laugh & cry. Probably grumble as well..But those feelings will come in waves. Good times and bad – they’re important for us.
I guess it’s important that we have both the good and the bad. Because without that bad we truly don’t and won’t appreciate the good. Sounds so gay and loserish but it’s so bloody true. 
Moving away from all of my family made me appreciate them so much more. Distancing yourself from what’s affecting you works wonders because you can see things so much clearer… Even from so far away. 
I don’t really understand timing and how everything works out because not everything HAS worked out for me. But a few things have and I know now why some things fell to shit for me. Without the shit, I wouldn’t have grown or changed. I would still be a negative nacey instead of to positive polly that I am now.
Change is another scary thing for me. Well it use to scare the shit out of me. Even the littlest dumb shit. That would actually scare me the most…dumb shit like new classes & teachers, writing in a new book, trying on new clothes in shops, public toilets, getting a new netball uniform, shoe shopping – I was a wreck. I hated changed. I hated feeling vulnerable. So stupid, how did I even expect to grow? 
Losing mum made me grow up fast. I didn’t realise it at the time but I was way ahead of my friends, maturity wise. Didn’t drink much, just kept to myself a lot. I started drinking a bit in my final year of school but that didn’t really help me. I was on such a high in the weekends but I came crashing down right after – back to my little broken heart. 
I felt abandoned, in a room full of people who loved me. I wanted love from people who weren’t giving it to me or who I couldn’t get it from so I just overlooked the ones who were right beside me, because I knew they’d always be there. 

Makes absolutely no sense and I still don’t understand what I was even thinking but I pushed so many people away for absolutely nothing. 
I pushed out the love because I wanted a different love but that wasn’t the love I needed or was even going to get. 

Dumb? Fuck yes. 
You’ll never find the love you need by forcing love from someone. And that’s such an important thing to remember and realise. Love isn’t something you buy. It’s something you create, something that’s earned. But when loves forced, when people fall out of love – it’s not the same. It doesn’t feel the same. It’s like trying to squish a square into a circle. 
Nooooot a chance, not matter how hard you try. 
Let that shit go. You’ll find something better, when you aren’t even looking. You don’t neeeeed to be with someone. You need to be with yourself.
Timing is everything.

But not everything makes sense at the time.
When everything’s taken away from you and all your options are taken down to the number zero, the only option from here is to feel it. So understand how you’re feeling and just feel exactly the way you do – just bee. 

Be confronted with this feeling. Maybe you’re angry, numb, sad, lonely. I don’t know what you’re feeling but whatever it is; feel it. It’ll pass. All I know and have learnt is this bad shit happens fast – but rebuilding things is slow – have patience.

 

Mum died almost 5 years ago and I still don’t see the silver lining behind it. I actually don’t think I ever will see one because there isn’t really anything that can be good about that whole situation..
But there are other things that truly do make sense, in time.
Have a little faith.

Wait it out.

Breath.
And see.

Freebee x

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