“That’s the problem with putting others first – you’ve taught them you come second.”
I hate how much I second guess everything. Little changes in the way people word things or say things, a tone of voice, an emoji not sent. A message left on read. Dumb, gay, stupid shit that probably means nothing to normal people, mean so much more than it seems, to me.
No one should ever feel broken because of other people’s actions & trust shouldn’t be able to be lost so easily.
I feel like I’ve bitten off so much more than I can actually chew – with my job, stayin in syd longer, the people I’ve met, the ones I’ve let in and the ones I’ve pushed away. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life and right now I feel like such a disappointment. I don’t even truly know why because I work my fuckin ass off but I feel like I have nothing to show for it.
I’m so use to just saying what I need to to please everyone even if it isn’t pleasing me, I hate how comfortable I am with putting myself behind everyone else. I’d bend over backwards to make someone happy, even if it put me in so much pain while doing it… just because I am so familiar with feeling shit and hurt, I don’t want anyone else to feel like that. Which is so stupid and contradicts everything I’m even doing saying – I don’t want someone to feel as hurt as I have before, so I make sure they don’t, while I’m still hurting myself?
I’m so worried about going home, I hate this time of year because all I want is to be held by the one person who won’t ever hold me again. It’s the worst feeling to want something you can’t ever possibly have and it hurts even more when you see other fuckers take what you want & need, for granted.
Still, I know I need to remember not everyone knows what loss is like. I just wish they did before it’s too late.
5 years is a fuckin long time and it’s been so long I always worry that you’ve forgotten me. My laugh, my smile, the way I’d wrap my legs around yours just so you couldn’t leave the bed without me knowing. My little sayings and the giggle you loved so much. You were my safety blanket – everything. You held everything together and always made sure things were right. You played both mum & dad for me. Good cop, bad cop. We were best friends, mates. I could scream and yell and swear at you, you’d always just love me anyways. You knew me and you knew exactly what I was thinking or feeling without having to say a word. You never left me and if we both had our way, you never would have had to.
I hate the 1st of May. I hate that you died. I hate that I can’t talk to you and I hate that I just look for love in the worst ways. I hate that you aren’t here to talk things through with. I hate how easy I let people walk all over me and I hate that I can’t speak up about it.
I hate missing you.
I fucking hate this.
I have such good days but when the bad ones hit, it feels like they’ll never leave. I try and understand why things are the way they are and I guess, what I’ve learnt about myself is that I just give, because I know how it feels to want… but all I want is to be given the same amount back.
I just want to spend the rest of my life laughing and most days, I do a pretty good job… but some days, are rough days.
And today is a rough day.
“You said you liked storms so I let you in,
turns out you could only handle a little rain…
And I was a hurricane.”