Theres this stigma, it seems, that you have to be something or someone to be successful. Getting degrees or making big bucks is what seems important but I honestly couldn’t give a fuck about either. Most of my friends are studying at Uni or whatever back at home and 99% of all the conversations I have with them, they’re pretty fucking miserable. Dropping out is a topic we always talk about and I’m probably not the best with advice because I’m usually the one telling them to just do it…But the way I see it is, if you aren’t having the time of your life, get the fuck out of there. Why spend 4 years stuck in a shit place, learning fuck all and getting a big loan that you’ll spend the next 10 years paying off – studying for something you don’t even enjoy, just to end up getting a basic shitty office job that will pay for the gay loan you just wasted the last few years accumulating. I don’t know if I’m just being stupid and close minded, one sighted, tunnel vision or what but that makes no fucking sense to me.
I think I want to study primary school teaching and when I head home for my two week break in a few weeks, I’ll look into it a bit and figure out the best place for me… But i’m not even set on it. I’m so torn between running free and ‘making something of myself’. Right now I’m so fucking happy just doing me and I think that I’m already making something of myself. I literally live for everyday and I don’t think thats too common these days.
I have a full on fucking job, I’m literally a full time for carer and basically a second mum to these kids, my patience has improved immensely and I can use a mop like a boss. I multitask like nobodies business. I laugh through all my tough situations, some days are fucking rough but I work my ass off and in return, I’m happy. Some people I’ve met don’t even class what I do as a job because when I’m working, I’m still fucking happy. I’m happy just being. I feel like shouting from the rooftops that people need to take chances and run while they can because its honestly the most freeing feeling to just, be. or bee. hahahaha nah but I feel like I’ve just discovered such a huge secret that is pretty obvious. To just live. Just be. Laugh at whatever makes you smile and just enjoy this life.
We are merely only a moment here, a speck on this earth. We are such a small fraction of this world and our lifetimes are so short but we drag out the shit parts and focus on negatives, I guess thats why it feels like we have time. I mean we have time, we have a fuck ton of time. We have nothing but time, but if we waste so much of it complicating things when its pretty simple – smile when things are good and continue to smile when things aren’t. Because as I’ve said before and I’ll say 1000 times more, hate can’t drive out hate, only love can do that.
I’m the first to put my hand up and say that I’ve struggled before. Everyone has something to their story that makes them, them. Somethings made you strong, somethings made you bitter. Someones hurt you, left you, loved you. Theres always something thats the defining factor of you. All that is you and all that you are… but you can’t sit around and blame that thing, whatever it is, for the reason you give up or continue. You can’t blame the world for how YOU choose to react to something. No one should be the reason you do things because if you keep putting your happiness in someone else’s hands, you’ll end up disappointed because they’re probably going to drop it every damn time and I think thats fair because you shouldn’t count on someone else to make YOU happy. People will always add something to your life but you need to be okay on your own first because ultimately you’re the only one who’s always going to back you and choose you, everyday.
I guess what I’ve learnt over the past 6 months and also 5 years is that you can’t just wait around for better days to come because you’ll be waiting a fucking long time. No one is going to make you feel better if you feel shit about things to begin with – they’ll probably distract you from your problems for awhile but at the end of the day, you still have to sleep at night. You still have to get up in the mornings and carry on somehow.
Anyways I kind of went off track but basically what I’m saying is if you aren’t happy in your story, change it. If you aren’t happy where you are, leave. Theres nothing wrong with running away. Worked pretty fucking well for me.
Who knows where I’ll end up, if I’ll ever get a degree or “make something of myself”,
All I know is that at the end of the day, if i go out smiling, thats what matters most to me.