7th of April

Today is the 7th of April.
In a different universe, I would be flying back to New Zealand today. I had a one way flight locked and loaded, all ready to go. I was set on just packing up this chapter and saying seeeeee ya later Sydney. I was dead set. Renee had asked me to extend my contract a handful of times but I just kept saying nahhhh and carrying on with my plan. 
Anyways one night a few weeks ago, I was taking my lads to guitar like I do every other Wednesday but something about this one was different. On the drive, the boys were just talking away like usual but something in my heart just made me stop and look at their little faces and listen to the words coming out of their brains and I realised that those are mine. Those little creatures in the back are mine. I have such a huge influence on these boys lives and I wasn’t ready to chuck that away… While I was at guitar Renee was interviewing another girl to take over the job once i’d gone back to NZ & I knew that. I took the boys to guitar and rang Air New Zealand to see how easy it would be to change my flight to a later date so i could go home for mums anniversary but also return and carry on with my job.
It was easy. Too easy.

So I did it. 
Changed my flight to the 18th of April and decided I’d sort the return for the 2nd of may… the day after mums anniversary. Which gives me two weeks to spend at home.
I cried and cried telling pops on the phone. I don’t ever want to disappoint anyone in my life… I care so much about not disappointing anyone else that I would rather just disappoint myself instead, to keep everyone else around me, kicking along. Stupid.

 But for once I didn’t really care if people cared because at the end of the day I was doing this for me, for once. For 6 months, thats all I’ve been doing. Me. I didn’t even truly know who I was before I came here. I never really let people fully in because I was so scared that they’d think I was a loser. But really, I was just being a loser by not being honest.
I guess I’ve always just been two steps ahead… even when it felt like I was a few behind. I keep quiet about a lot of things I’m feeling and I put on a really brave front because sometimes, not everything needs to be talked about. 
Ever since i locked in a few extras months in Sydney, so many beautiful things have happened to me. I’ve met some fucking awesome souls – one that I adore the most and he likes gin so that’s a tick. (Ahaha you got a shout out… are you happy? 😉😙) nah but it’s pretty insane how things have just seemed to click. And my heart actually hurts knowing that if I hadn’t changed my flight, I never would have got to explore with this soul. 
I think people come into your life to teach you something and ultimately nothing will last forever but the coolest thing about this was I wasn’t even looking & I found you. 
Souls sometimes find each other in the most insane ways & finding someone you genuinely connect with, on so many different levels can be so rare. So when you do, grab it with both hands and run. Not everything has to be something that lasts a lifetime because there’s all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice. I truly don’t know how this will all play out and neither do you, but for now I am so fuckin happy just kicking along, experiencing a bit of life,

with you
Gut feelings are powerful fucking things and they need to be listened to a whole lot more… I had a gut feeling that I needed to runaway & Sydney was the only place I really wanted to go. I had a gut feeling about renee and my little boy band. And I had a gut feeling that my story here in Sydney, wasn’t quite finished. 

All 3 gut feelings have turned out to be so bloody accurate & the more I listen to my gut, the more good things happen. 
I love this life.

I love feeling exactly like this.
I have completely winged the last 6 months of my life. Bit off a lot more than I can chew but even if you go for it and it doesn’t work out, you still win. You still had the guts to head straight into something that frightened you. That type of bravery will always take you places.
Mum always told me I need to enjoy my life & I literally think about that everyday. She’s been coming up a lot lately. I don’t know if it’s just that time of year or what but I’m liking having her around… it scares the fuck out of me how powerful this universe is and spiritually I know that I’m connected on so many levels because I’m so open to it. I just think it’s sick as fuck that she still gets to do this wild ride of life with me. She sees what I’m doing and brings cool people into my life. Running around making sure her little possum is all sorted; I feel it. I fucking love it. It’s been so so long since I’ve heard your voice but you speak to me every single day in the breezes of the wind or the warmth of the sun. Songs that come on, on the radio or the way the sun sets over the earth. You’re here. You make it pretty bloody clear that you are and knowing your safe and happy makes living without you, a tiny bit bare-able.

I truly can’t believe I’ve survived the last few years without the rock of my life here. We went through a lot together and I think that’s what upsets me the most because we were so in love with the life we shared. We never took it for granted and I knew how lucky I was to be raised by you.
I’ll never ever ever ever ever ever ever understand why this happened to us. To me. 14 years old is way too young to put your mum into the ground. 14 years is nothing. You’ll end up being out of my life longer than you were actually in it. Memories will fade and life will go on… I’ll have kids one day and you’ll never hold them. 
Fuck it stings. 

Fuck it’s unfair. 

I don’t get it.
18th of April, I’ll be able to snuggle up to my family and hang out with them for two weeks.
21st of April is my mummas birthday.
1st of May  is 5 years since my whole life completely changed forever. 

I can’t wait to take you flowers and drink some gin, with you. 

I know you’re still with me but some days truly are harder than others.
I just fucking miss you so much. I feel like a broken record because that’s all I say and feel but fuck this sucks.

And it sucks ass even more because I think this is a forever type of feeling & I will always just miss you. 
Being strong is sometimes so overrated and if you’re feeling shit, just let yourself feel shit for awhile. I’m happy just being… but sometimes I wish I was just being, with you.


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