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“Age is no crime.But the shame of a deliberately wasted life, among so many deliberately wasted lives, 

Is.”
Quotes make me stop and think so much. I almost hate how different my perspective is from most of the people my age. I kinda hate how much I appreciate simple things because I feel like I’m just preaching all the damn time. I never want to waste a second and I always want people to know how much they mean to me – but always being that person for everyone else is so exhausting. I bring it on myself though but I guess it’s so simple to forget how quick opportunities go by & just wanting everyone to grip them with both hands while they’re around is so frustrating.
It’s basically like we’re all listening to the same song but we all hear the lyrics & beat so differently. That’s how I am with music anyways and quotes too I guess. I probably read into things a little bit more than I should but I guess that’s not necessarily a bad thing, either. The tone of voice or the way people write back fucks with me. I complicate a lot of things in my head, probably way more than it ever should be to begin with. I’m more of and have always been a sit down, shut up type person and that’s probably why I stirr so much up, on my own, in my own head.
I don’t know too much, but I do know that I say I don’t know too often when I know exactly what I say I don’t. It’s pretty simple, say how you feel and let it ruin you or don’t & let that fuck you up even more. 
I write a whole lot better than I can actually say stuff out loud. And I purely just made this whole blog thing because it’s a release for me. I guess I’m both happy & sad all and once, 

And I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.
If you follow me on anything, you’d probably see how obsessed with reading & books I’ve been lately. I’ve always enjoyed reading but didn’t really allow myself the time to spend doing it. Mum always made us read as kids, getting us a library card really young and always making time to take us get out our lame books… the little thing she did for us honestly instilled so much in me. I’m a lot more like her than and I realise and I love it. 
I joined a library down here because I felt like I was missing something – starring at a screen fucks with me because I’m constantly wanting to check what everyone else is up to. The latest Instagram or snapchat. Like as good as this whole social media shit is to keep in contact and what not, it can really take control of you. Like I love finding cool spots to capture or quotes that I relate so much to, so I share it but I think not everything needs to be shared & posted about and that’s something I find hard to get a hold of sometimes..most of my favourite moments aren’t even captured, they don’t make it online because some things I just want to keep a little to myself. And I think that’s fuckin beautiful. 
I was always scared of the dark growing up but, over time I’ve learnt that beautiful things happen in the dark. When the sun goes to sleep & when the stars give light kisses when the moon is a spotlight. Life stays beautiful even when you’re covered in darkness.
I’m excited to head home for a bit. I like airplanes. I like anywhere that isn’t a proper place. I like in betweens. I like where my head is at right now. I like the britney, out of hawera & i’m honestly a little nervous to go back home because I guess people are use to just Hawera britney. Little country girl who would always just shut the fuck up and get on with it.. the little doormat. 

Nervous but excited for them to see me, to meet me all over again. I feel good so fuckin goood knowing I’m not stuck though. I have a life out of hawera – something out of my little pond. An ocean. I have stuff and people here to come back to which is so good because my homesickness shouldn’t be too hard to deal with compared to when I first moved over the ditch.
I’ve met some beautiful souls across my little travels and I was a little funny about getting close to people because I’ve always been so use to people leaving but I’m starting to accept that even if you aren’t here to stay, I’m just glad the universe allowed you to stop by. 

I think everyone I meet adds a little bit more to me and my story. A glimpse, a conversation or a meaningful friendship all bring something to me. That’s how I try to see it anyways… not everything has to be something long lasting, even if you want them to be. Some people come into your life just to teach you how to let go. Others teach you what it’s like to love and be loved and some people are brought to you just to show you that some people are just fucking assholes.

All are good lessons & we’ll learn them repeatedly throughout this life. 
Its scary though, thinking about how wrong you can be about people. To see one tiny part of them,

And confuse it for the whole.
I think about you every single day & wonder if you’re wondering about me too. It’s a fucked up situation that we’re in and I wish it was different. Wish you were here. Wish I didn’t have to even wish you cared. Having one parent who can’t physically be here but would do anything to be here with me & then having the other parent, who chooses not to be here but could easily jump on a plane to be here is so fucking painful. I’ll never understand. Probably don’t even want to understand. A tattoo on an arm doesn’t and won’t make you a parent – even if it looks like you are to other people. Who cares what you pretend to look like. If you aren’t it, It doesn’t count. 

I don’t fucking get it…in the end, I guess you just want someone who will back you without even thinking twice.

Ugh. Life. So stupidly complicated but so simple. 

7 sleeps till I’m drowning in nothing but family & kiwiness. I’m so excited to sneak home but I’m even more excited to take my lady some flowers & share a gin next to her. Almost 7 months since I’ve been able to sit beside her and that’s probably the thing I’ve missed most in this chapter.

Hooooomeeeeee times almost here. Can’t wait to drive my little car around & see my big snowy rock. I’m so fucking ready to just breath at home & celebrate my lady, the main reason why I’m here today. 

See ya when I’m looking at ya,
Kiwis. šŸ˜šŸ˜‰šŸ‘‹šŸ¼

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