Well I just blinked and somehow I’m already finished in New Zealand. It was fucking nippy back home, I must say. I think my nipples might be chaffed from being so cold and stiff & rubbing on my shirt.
Anyways, I had a reading while I was back home. I like readings. I never believed in them before mum passed away but I think they help me heal. But in saying that, I know some mediums are bullshit…It’s easy to fake stories and things because people who are grieving will believe anything as long as its what they want to hear. But I’ve been to a few good ones over the years. They’ve all said a few really significant things that no one really knew. One chick told me mum had her boots on… to which I laughed because that was a joke between me and ash and mum. We hated those boots, hid them from her once actually up the top of my cupboard. Mum was pissed but me and ash thought it was hilarious. Me and ash buried mums hideous black boots with her in her coffin and no one really knew that except the immediate family. Blew me away. A few other things have been said that make me honestly shit myself because it’s unbelievable the stuff that is said and sometimes I haven’t even said out loud.
My reading at home was good. I have so much travel in my future. Apparently I’m going to work as some kind of rep for a travel company and work with all these cool as fuck people. Some dark haired, delicious chap is going to come into my life in Europe and we’re going to travel a little together, which I’m truly not complaining about.
But she said to me “be the blogger you say you are” and when she said that, i honestly I knew it was coming. She said I am the person I say I am, but lately I haven’t been and that’s so fucking true.
I think I got caught up in what everyone else was doing and what I was doing with everyone else instead of focusing on me. Last year I fell in love with taking care of myself – wasn’t interested in seeing anyone really after I left NZ and moved to Aus because I had just jumped out of a 2 year relationship and I was in a new place where I didn’t really know anyone so it was just me getting to know myself. Which was sick. But this year I’ve gotten to know people and start hanging out with them, ya know whatever and I feel like I’ve started to rely on them to be happy and feel the way I was feeling last year. It’s so confusing to even put into words but I haven’t been looking after myself very well, working fucked up hours and hardly sleeping. Running on empty and spending ever spare moment with someone. I’ve been so exhausted but having human contact, relationships and friendships became all I focused on. Just having someone text you back or want to see you all the time. It’s fucked. And so exhausting.
Here I was, preaching about not needing someone to make you happy when i was doing the complete opposite. I was sitting by my phone all hours of the day waiting to be wanted. But as I’ve said before, if you put your happiness in someone else’s hands they’ll just drop it every time. And they did.
I love the people I’ve met and the ones I’ve become close with. I have truly met some beautiful souls and as much as I want to be something more with them, who knows what will happen. They could easily just be a lesson. And some lessons suck.
I can’t wait to be loved and adored and held and chased. I can’t wait to feel the love I give so freely. But I guess you’ve gotta learn the hard way that not everyone is going to fit into your puzzle, as much as you want them to… some things just aren’t meant to be.
My olds took me to New Plymouth airport yesterday and saying goodbye to them was probably the hardest. I think when you’re growing up, you don’t really realise that the ones you love are getting older too and being in another country, you miss out on a lot. It’s so hard being away especially from my two olds and ash.
Here are some photos from my little sneak home.
A snuggle with Cheryl.
A sunset from home.
A few cheeky handstands…
The sick as fuck cake we made Ella for her 8th birthday…
Me being a typical kiwi.
Me and my main man.
I’m back in Sydney now. I landed last night and I’m feeling fucking miserable. I know this feeling won’t last long, well I’m hoping anyways . This times different because I have a bedroom set up, a familiar bed, my Aussie family and my friends and I know how to do my job well but it’s still fucking rough, a sickening feeling… not knowing if you’re doing the right thing, just hoping you are. Going home and being with everyone again was beautiful but as hard as it is to go, I know I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, back in Sydney. It just sucks like seeing everyone and then going but I’m so much more better off here than Hawera. Hard to put into words because the feeling is so strange… just having an urge to get out and run.
I have always had a really strong intuition and I’m drawn to people who think the same way as me. I get strong gut feelings but I haven’t really learnt to follow them until lately. I’ve got the strongest gut feeling there’s so much out there for me to find…I’m just following my nose and trying to find it. Sydney was a complete gamble. I was the shy little shut the fuck up chick who never stepped out and tried anything new because all I did was worry, but that’s not who I am anymore. I still get scared about the usual stuff like getting pregnant or missing flights but I’m doing alright because neither of those have happened so far.
(Ahahahahahaha I would die and poppa would fucking flip)
Nah but I’ve grown and changed and matured so much but at the same time I’ve also lightened up, found my inner kid and had a lot more fun than I have ever before. I love gin now, I’ve swam with Sharks, parasailed and I want to jump off everything I find. Might even jump out of a plane before I leave Sydney. I’ve gotten some cool tattoos that mean so much and although people don’t quite understand them all, I am still so in love with them.
In saying that, a long time ago I learnt not to explain every detail of everything to people,
It misleads them into believing they’re entitled to know everything you do. I hate complicating things but I think we as humans do it unintentionally. But its really simple. Just do your best and what will be, will be.
Sydneys my playground for the next 3ish months and at the end of August I’m flying out to London from Sydney and starting my two Europe contikis.
Who knows what the fuck I’ll do next but the way I see it is,
life’s a daring adventure or nothing at all.
You reading this, who ever you are:
Thanks for loving me, following me, believing in me and being with me on this little adventure we call life. I’ve loved my time at home and I’m guttered to leave but I can’t help how I’m feeling. There’s a few people I wish I could pack in my bag and bring along with me but I guess if you love something set it free… so thank you for letting me go & roam, soar, fly so high and far. I know I’ll always have my people who get me and my jumbled mind. Thank you for backing my plans and allowing me to just go. It’s so hard to leave you behind but there’s so much out there’s it blows my little kiwi mind.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, what I’ll be or do. Who knows if I’ll even make something of myself or just end up broke, living on Ashleigh and Scotts couch…but all I really want to do in this life above all, is to make my family and myself proud.
I don’t know much, wasn’t the smartest kid in school. I fuckin hated biology and wagged pretty much every single class in my final year. Started an internal the day before it was due – it was a 3 day experiment on those slater bug things. I sweet talked the teacher and managed to get the paper done in an afternoon and I actually got a merit for it. ahahahahahahahahaha still makes me laugh because a few other people in my class who actually tried hard on it for weeks didn’t pass and little old fuck around, tinny ass me, did.
People never expected much from me I don’t think because I never really said how I felt, just kept quiet and got on with it. Always got in trouble for being too much of a smart ass and way too cheeky…my time management skills weren’t as good as they should have been, I got by just doing what I needed to and I’ve always just been average.
I don’t know a hell of a lot,
All I know for sure is…
Somewhere, something is waiting to be found, known, explored & loved.
And I’m on my way to find it.
I don’t know where I’m going from here but I promise it won’t be boring.