I’ve been back in kangaroo land for almost 2 weeks now. The tears have stopped and I pulled myself together. Took a bit honestly. I think just the initial shock of realising what you’ve done all over again after being back with your people again, is pretty full on. Like this whole thing is pretty full on as it is. I was second guessing myself so hard when I first got back and I just wanted everyone to tell me I had done the right thing in coming back but honestly & truly, I’m the only person who needed to tell me I’m doing and have done the right thing.
And I have.
A big fat fucking, fuck yes to myself for doing this all over again. High fives and a pat on the back. It takes guts and I honestly urge anyone to do it. Runaway. Move somewhere where you know absolutely no one. It makes you grow up so much but you also realise there’s so much more out there than just the little place you call home. Hawera is beautiful for all it’s taught me and it’ll always be my foundation & home but there’s so much more out in this world. It’s crazy to think that Sydney is just the start of all the places I’ll call home. It’s cool though, thinking about a world tour of nothing but FreeBee.
Kylie Jenner said 2016 was the year of just realising stuff but honestly I’m starting to realise a lot more this year than last. Ahahaha nah but honestly & seriously I’m beginning to recognise that real happiness isn’t something large and looming on the horizon ahead but something small, numerous and already here. The smile of someone you love. A decent breakfast. The warm sunset. Gin & lift. The smell of rain. Your little everyday joys all lined up in a row…
I fucking love simple things. I’ve always liked getting up for the sunrise because theres never usually anyone around to remind me who I’m supposed to be, so it’s easier to remember who I am. And there’s no better feeling than just, being.
I’m all about being.
True & honest.
Happy and free.
Today’s Mothers Day and my heart fucking hurts. I’m a broken record, I know. I honestly feel like that all my life revolves around is being heart broken because I lost the one person I never thought I’d have to be without. It’s fucking bullshit. Most days I just get on with it and carry on. Some days I’m a mess and just cry. Others, I’m angry. But most days I look like everything is A-okay. Hardly ever is but I sell it pretty well. Which is fucking terrible because it’s not until you’re alone, you truly realise how fucked up you feel. And if I had just been honestly from the beginning and said I’m hurting, I wouldn’t be silently suffering.
Losing people in life sucks balls in itself. Like death is fucking shit but an equally shit feeling is losing someone that’s still breathing and knowing they’re carrying on their life, without you.
Missing your company, your laugh, your smiles, snuggles, music taste. Miss our sunsets and sunrises because they aren’t really the same watching them alone since we started chasing them together. Missing you. It was a little piece of forever… our little piece of forever. And as much as it was something but also nothing at the same time, I’m just glad I had that. Whatever it was. It was something. & Because of you, I’m certain you can be homesick from people too.
My heart is hurting all over the show for so many reasons. But I’ll continue on. Have to. Picking up my little broken heart strings and carry on because I’ve got a feeling that this is just one of those dumb lessons.
They’re good in the long run but for now, they suck.
Anyways thought I’d just chuck up a little update just to tell ya I’m still alive & kicking. If you wanted to see my daily shit more regularly, I usually update snapchat religiously so jump on there. Instagram is a go to for me aswell. 🙌🏼👏🏼✌🏼
Life’s going, even if you aren’t having the greatest day, you are still having a day. And life will go, regardless. At least jump on, smile and enjoy the ride. X