I’VE BEEN SLACK

Weeeeell Hello… Long time no talk?
Wholey moley I think a part of me forget I even started this blog! It’s been a good while since I posted something and honestly, I haven’t really had a second to sit down and write about the little freebee life. I’ve been working my absolute butt off but living every second I have in this life.
Since my last post, I’ve had Christmas, New Years, traveled to the USA & now my nan and pop have come over to Syd to spend some time with me here before I finish up in a few months time.
Christmas was beautiful. I spent it with my Aussie family. Opened presents in the morning, ate & drank in the afternoon. Bliss. Missed my home team but that comes with the runaway lifestyle. My very first Christmas alone and it wasn’t too bad. Enjoyable even! Haha.


New Years was a quiet one. Spent it with and around family too. Watched fireworks, drank & started a new tradition for my lady. A toast on every New Years & at every destination I travel to. 
On January 1st, we flew to Hawaii. Long flight but I was sat next to the coolest chick, Danielle. (If you’re reading this, hey 😂😘). We spent 10 days in Oahu. Parasailed, swam with sharks, pretended to be pirates, snorkelled every day, found some insanely beautiful spots, met some fish, went to a luau & toasted to my mum out on the ocean during a beautiful Hawaiian sunset with Renee 😍

Made our way to LA after missing our first flight, classic! Got there in the end and stayed 3 nights in Disney. Literally the most magical place on earth. I was like a kid in a candy shop… I even wore my Micky mouse ears for 3 days straight 😂😍 toasted to my Mumma outside the Micky and Minne statue.

Flew home & a few days later my oldies arrived. They’re here now and I am lapping up every second.. I didn’t realise how much I missed them until I saw them walking down to me at the airport. Soooo beautiful. I’ve never had a tighter hug from my pops.. 🙁😍



It’s been 4 months since I started this adventure. That only leaves 2 more months really here in my Sydney life. How insane that its almost been 6 months already. When I first moved here I thought it would drag on and I’d be here forever…Well I actually thought I’d just die before my time here ended 😳 that’s how long I thought it would feel like to be away from everyone.


My next plans are going back home for mums anniversary & then do a few tours in Europe through contiki. 😁 
I’ve had a lot of time to myself here in the past few months in Sydney… A lot of time to reflect and think about this little life of mine. All I want & all I need.. When I first moved over here, I met a few people and I could have easily just jumped into another relationship with some guy straight away because the opportunity was there and all I’ve ever known is relationships and commitment – but this time was different. I didn’t. And I’m glad. I stayed with just me. Just freebee and I’m actually so glad because I want this journey to just be about me. And it is.

Relationships and commitment isn’t something that needs to be forced… And I think I’m only just realising that now. You don’t NEED someone to be complete. You need to be complete on your own and find someone who compliments you. You don’t need to be somebodies – you need to be somebody. At the end of the day, you start and finish this life with you. You need to be happy with yourself first before anyone else can make you happy.

People can walk out of your life as fast and they walked into it… Remember that.

As my time comes to a close here in Syd, as bitter sweet as it is to closing this chapter, I’m so thankful for this little adventure. I’m so glad I booked that one way ticket and took that job off of Facebook. I’ve found someone who has helped me grow, change and experience so many new things. A lifelong friend who I’ll always always have by my side. 
I’ve met so many beautiful people here in Sydney and it’s going to be so hard to leave once I officially do… But this is only the beginning. I didn’t come this far, to only come this far. 
I have the world to go 😅😍 
I love this life I have created… Completely turned it around from the once miserable little Britney to the fearless, happy, motivated, inspirational FreeBee.
I love what I’ve done.

I’m so proud of me.
Until the next time I put fingers to keys, you’ll be seeing me again i promise 😘

What a beautiful story this will bee…

And it’s only the beginning.

FREE BEE 

🐝✌🏼️💋

I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ❌


I’ll never understand this universe.

One minute everything is absolutely beautiful, things are all going smoothly and life could not be better. Then, without even blinking, everything falls to shit & it seems like the sun will never shine again.
I’ve been robbed of so much for so long. And it honestly seems like every single person or thing I try and make a connection with, leaves. I let someone in, they get to know me and then boom. Bye brits. 
I don’t want to grow old all bitter & unhappy because thats not destined for me. I understand life was never meant to be all glitter and rainbows. Honestly it would be boring if nothing went wrong. But it just seems like when bad stuff happens, its like a field day. SO much shit stuff all piled into one big shitty pile. 
I think grief is a journey. One that never truly gets better, we just get use to it. Honestly its been almost 5 years since our little giant left the world and it stings everyday. There truly isn’t a day since she left that I’ve felt completely and utterly, complete. Sure, I’ve had some fucking good times in the last 5 years. But nothing thats ever made me stop looking for her in a crowd.
Its honestly the weirdest feeling to still believe she’s coming home, even after seeing her tiny, cold body all dressed up in her coffin… I still feel like I’m on an episode of punk’d, waiting for mum to jump out from the curtain and laugh about how good she tricked me.

OH how funny that would be.
I have so much to give this world, these people that are in my life & the ones I am yet to meet. I have something to give. 

Its scary to think I was so close to giving up and flying off to be with mum because imagine how upset my mum would have been to think her baby didn’t want to live anymore. 
It was never a person or a thing that made me that depressed. sure, they added fuel to the fire but it was purely me. I think thats how i dealt with it, trying to lesson the pain. I would literally try and calm myself down by telling myself I won’t be here much longer so just enjoy yourself now. that sounds harmless but I didnt mean it in the ‘life is short’ context. I meant that I’d be killing myself one day soon so just smile while you need to, to get through the days until then. 
HOW FUCKED UP.
I am so sorry to myself and to everyone who cares about me that i thought like that. I would have absolutely ruined my family if i left, I know that now. They care about me. They love me. It took me moving over here to actually get that through my brain.
People care about you. You are loved. You mean something.
My heart is hurting and my head is a mess. I ache to think about how much I’m missing out on and how much it would be killing mum to not be here with us. Life is so unfair but i think thats what makes it beautiful.

we are never granted stuff. Tomorrow isn’t always a thing and we may only have this one chance to do or say what we need to.
Its a tricky game, this whole life thing.

But I’m going to give it my absolute best. Love all I can, laugh until I die and make every second a moment of pure beauty.
And when death comes knocking at my door, years and years down the track – it’ll have nothing left to take from me because I would have lived the fullest, happiest, freest life this world has seen.
FreeBee.x

BROKEN HOMES, LOSS & FREEDOM.


“I am working on learning how to be whole and free within myself, to acknowledge my brokenness, manifest my own happiness, and succeed and fail gracefully”
For the past 5 years, I’ve had nothing but full on relationships. I was literally like 14 when I had my first boyfriend and I was with him for almost 3 years. Looking back at everything now, I was so fucking young. I threw myself into commitment because I just wanted someone to want to stick around. I think dad leaving when I was really young, ruined me so much. All I wanted was someone to want me but I went looking for it in the wrong places. Trying to create these little families so I’d have somewhere to go, instead of my “broken” home.

But I didn’t have a broken home. My home was perfect. I had people who loved and adored me but all I wanted back then was the typical mum, dad & kids, type deal.. but those families can sometimes be just as miserable or even more then the “broken” ones.
I think my home would have been broke if dad had stayed and tried to force everything to work. Like trying to glue a broken mirror back together, you’d ruin yourself more in the process trying to stick all the pieces back together just by cutting your hands on all the sharpe, damaged edges. Some things are better left untouched, just as they are. 
I didn’t really realise the effect the divorce had on me until now. Literally my whole high school life was just revolved around having a boyfriend and being committed. how fucking shit is that? I spent so much time trying to have a stable relationship for no fucking reason… it didn’t heal me & thats all i wanted. I just wanted my brokenness to seem less. I wanted to be loved by a boy the way my dad should have loved me.
What a fucking way to live.
Here in aussie, is the first time I’ve been alone. The first time I’ve gotten to know myself, properly. Its insane the things you discover when all you have to hold onto is yourself. Its the most challenging but rewarding thing anyone could possibly do. I’m finally starting to find out who I am, what I like, who I want to be. I love it! 
Over the last 2 months, I’ve realised that I am one broken soul. I’ve had such a shit hand at life and its so fucking unfair. But I’m so glad I didn’t give up when I so easily could have. The rockiest roads often lead to the most beautiful destinations & Here I am today living a better life then any dream I’ve ever had.. Ahhhh bliss. 
Throughout high school, all I was really known as was ‘the girl who’s mum died’… But all I wanted to be known as was Britney. I could let this whole situation define me, throw my whole life away and hate this world because they took away my special person, but I’m made up of everything this world can not take from me. I don’t want this to define me. I don’t want to be bitter and unhappy for the next 40 years. So I’m decided to live my life the way I would if mum was still sitting beside me, today. Free, happy & thankful that I have this life. #FreeBee style.
I can’t tell you how glad I am that I moved. I have so many more options and opportunities now. its so hard to leave, until you leave. and then its the easiest thing in the world. And I left… and I’m never looking back.
It’s honestly never ever too late to be brand new. I promise 😍💋

“Someone fell in love today. Someone was born today. Someone lived through something that could have killed them. Someone won back the love of their life. Someone made their parents proud. Someone healed. Someone let go. 

Seven billion people, and some of us have just had the best day of their lives. Today may have been the very worst day of yours. But take solace and celebrate this simple fact. It wasn’t your best day today, but its on its way, because we all get lucky in turn.”  
I AM SOOOO FREEEEE & IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BEEEEEEE!

#FreeBee
Britney rose x

I’M BAAAAAACK ✔️

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Hey strangers, haven’t written anything in a few weeks… Not too sure why but I haven’t felt like anything I had to say had enough purpose to be posted so I just didn’t write.

My last post was about me realising how dark this past year was for me. And as I’ve said from the very beginning, this is my space. My place to let whatever I want, run free. This space isn’t for anyone else and I don’t write for anyone else. I don’t want to please people with my writing, I just want to be honest and put it all completely out there. No sugar coating, no colourful filters, just life. Just me. Just bee.

I guess I haven’t written anything in awhile because I felt like I was just saying the same shit over and over. This is a whole new world that I’ve chucked myself into. I left all the comfort I’ve ever had, behind. Its such a huge change but one of the best feelings I’ve ever experienced. I kinda wanted to just keep some of that to myself so I backed off a bit from this little space.

Soooooo whats been happening in the last few weeks you might ask? Well apart from the normal 7-5 hours, packing school lunches and driving the range, not a hell of a lot. I’ve been living at the gym, watching way too many netflix movies & eating broccoli like its going out of style.

We’re starting to plan our trip to Hawaii in January. From ziplining, to cage diving with sharks… it is still so insane to me that I am here, doing this. All the things I will take from this experience will be insane. I’ve already grown so much from the time I’ve been here. I feel so much more confident – because I had to be. And i think chucking yourself into the deep end is one of the most rewarding things you could ever do for yourself.

“They wanna see you do good, but never better than them. Remember that.”

i’ve always been such a preacher of this quote. It’s so real & so true. and its been shown to me so much since moving here. Some people back home, I’m sure, would have LOVED to see me fail at this. Me coming home after finding it too hard would have just made their day… and i think thats why I’ve pushed myself so hard to stay here and stick it out. I didn’t want to be the girl who just left because it got too hard. I want to be the girl that people want to be. I want someone to look at me and think “fuck she’s so brave.. I want to be that brave.”

People can say what they like. People can interrupt shit to suit how they’re feeling. People can read way more into something when it isn’t even intended that way. & They will. I guess it helps them deal with their own shit too, in a way. But i think as long as you are confident with how you’re feeling and what you’re doing, then it shouldn’t matter to you.

I come from a small town where chinese whispers happens way too often. People get so caught up in other peoples lives because they’re so bored in their own. I love Hawera. its my home. My mums buried there, most of my family lives there.. i grew up there. But sometimes distancing yourself from everything, makes you see things so much more clearer.

Its a beautiful but strange feeling to walk down an unfamiliar street & know that no one knows you. I can be anyone I want here. I can be me. 100% me. Theres nothing to hide or worry about because absolutely no one knows my past and has nothing to hold against me… and I truly can’t tell you how freeing that feeling is.

I’ve been thinking a lot about whats next for me once my Sydney adventure comes to an end. Contikis are at the very top of my list. I’d also love to volunteer in Africa and build a well or help there in some way. I’d love to work in the mountains in Canda or work with wild horses in California. I love this job I have right now and my family is perfect for me, which makes me feel like if i went to another nannying job next year or whatever & things weren’t like they are now, it could ruin the whole thing for me. Like I feel like I’ve lucked out in a way & I don’t want to make this nannying experience to end up being a bad one because so far its been unreal. Who can literally say their first week of work they were flown to Melbourne and stayed in a penthouse? ME!? I’m dreaming and I never want to wake up…x

I don’t know whats next for me in this crazy life of mine. But all I know is that I didn’t come this far to only come this far. Theres so much more out there for me. So many beautiful souls waiting to add something to my story. So many places I’m left to visit. How cool is it to think that some of the best experiences of my life haven’t even happened yet?it is insane…

Not sure when I’ll write next but I’m sure you’ll be seeing me again soon.

 

Britney rose x

ITS ALL JUST TEMPORARY ✔️


“she didn’t need to be saved. she needed to be found and appreciated for exactly who she was.”
Have you ever felt like not waking up because your dreams are better than what your reality is?

Being here, I feel the complete opposite. NEVER In my wildest dreams, would I have never imagined I’d be where I am today.
It never use to be like this for me though…
I fucking hated high school. I hated everything about it. I was literally so depressed there. Everyday was so shit, especially after I lost mum. I hated everything. I felt so lost and alone. I started to eat my feelings & gain weight and then stopped eating. I struggled so much with so much shit. I hid so much from everyone about how down and low I was. I was struggling so badly with my grades, I hated how different I felt compared to my friends… everyone had normal lives, with at least one parent. I didn’t have either. I didn’t have my own parents to go home to. I didn’t know what it felt like to sit in the car with my mum or dad and just not talk – its such a weird feeling to try and explain but I would give anything to just go for a ride in the car with my mum one more time and just sit there… no awkward silence or anything because we are both just comfortable. Ahhhhh my dream.

anyways I went through such a rough time throughout my last few years at high school. I got chubby, then skinny. People who thought I was just some weird girl started to notice me. Boys wanted to hangout with me. People cared. Its such a strange feeling to try and force happiness on yourself when all you want is the ground to swallow you, whole. 
I thought after high school, all my worries would fade. The sun would come out and I’d be me again.

FUCK WAS I WRONG.

The opposite happened. I was more depressed than I had ever been before. I would literally cry myself to sleep at night and beg for it to just end. I was in so much pain physically and emotionally. I needed my mum then more than ever and no matter what I did, I couldn’t have her. I never listened to music anymore, hated what I saw in the mirror. Hardly ate anything because I just felt so shit. Never saw my family because I hated who I was and I was so scared if they saw how I was, I’d worry them all. My iron levels were scarily low. I just wanted to end my life. I thought it would be so much easier for my family to plan my funeral then for me to feel like this for the rest of my life. It was the scariest time & I truly didn’t think I could go on very longer.

Now I know all that was wrong was my environment. I was stuck in the same place where so much shit had gone wrong that I was just expecting more shit. I was literally bringing shit to upon myself, just waiting for it. I was constantly waiting for the next person to leave or the next person to fuck me over. Living on edge is the scariest feeling, especially when all you want is to jump off & end it right there. 

I’m so glad I never went through with all the shitty things I had planned. 

I didn’t NEED to be saved, by anyone. But all I wanted was someone to save me. I thought that would be the answer but I was the answer to all my problems all along but for so long I thought I needed something or someone more to help fix me. But…I was never broken, just a little jumbled and mixed up.

Its one of the best feelings to wake up everyday, excited to be alive. For so long, I just wanted to never wake up. I hated when my alarm would go off & remind me that I was still breathing – now I’m usually awake waiting for my alarm to go off so I can start my day. 

I’m heart broken that I hated myself and my life that much that all I wanted to do was end it & leave all my beautiful family behind. Mum would have literally killed me for wanting giving up when she fought so hard to stay here and I think that’s what made me stay.

Never remove yourself from the equation. Remove yourself from the situation…but never feel like you’re the problem. You aren’t. I felt worthless and shit for so long, I felt like I was so easy to leave behind and I was truly just waiting for people to leave me. I ended up pushing so many people away, ones that probably wouldn’t have even left me. 

It’s a long dark tunnel when you’re depressed. I was never medically diagnosed with depression, I never wanted to be told that was wrong with me. But I know it was a pretty bad situation I was in mentally. No one should ever want to end their lives over temporary problems. It’s literally a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It’s just temporary. All your worries will fade and it will all make sense one day.

Life does get better and I’m living proof.
My dad left, mum got so sick and died, I was so depressed, hardly ate, did shit in school and pushed everyone close to me away…
Now I’m driving range rovers, hanging out in penthouses, going to Hawaii at the beginning of January, getting paid to live in this sick as fuck house, I go to the coolest gym and hangout with some awesome people. I literally live the coolest life – better than any dream.

I never thought this is where I’d end up, but I’m so glad that this is where I am. I haven’t felt this happy and free all at once before. My broken little heart is fixed and the light in my life is shining brighter than ever before. I am so unbelievably happy here and I’m so proud of myself for doing this. 

Keep going little caterpillar. Just wait for your wings to grow and then learn how to use them 😍🙌🏼👋🏼 

Britney rose x  

SAFE WITH SYD ✔️


“You are the page, the link, the poem”
I’ve been in my own little world for a solid 3 weeks now. It’s gone sooo slow & so fast at the same time. Comparing all I’ve done here in 3 weeks compared to what I would have done at home is crazy. 

I’m SO glad I found some balls and left my miserable life at home. 18 years old & leaving everything you’ve ever known, all by yourself sounds scary. It’s actually fucking terrifying. It’s hard to leave until you do leave – then it’s the easiest thing in the world.
I’ve talked to my family more than I ever did when I lived back home & I absolutely love it. It’s crazy to me how moving away, brought everyone together a little bit more. Me & my sister would always bicker and fight at home – always have and we probably always will. But now that there’s a pretty big puddle between us, we get on so much better. We talk all the time, FaceTime so much and we even have a streak on snapchat 😳… That would never happen if I was still living at home. 
Family is so important I reckon. Moving over here makes me think of mum so much more. What would she have said? Would I even be here if she was still here? Can she see me? Ahhhhh so many questions I’ll probably never have answers to. It’s such a bitter sweet feeling. I’m so happy and so sad all at once.
But I truly think that this opportunity was way way to perfect not to be created by her. Everything fits way too perfectly – a Range Rover, a pug, right by the beaches, sunny weather, gorgeous people, a loving & caring family who are so imperfectly perfect for me. I honestly feel like I’m dreaming and I truly didn’t realise how happy I am here until last night when I had the worst dream ever.

I dreamt that I was flying here & when I got to my gate to board the plane to Syd, they switched me to a new family who lived in Canada. Wtf?! I woke up sweaty and stressed but I felt better when I saw i was still in my room in Aussie. Hahaha so stupid but it really made me think about how happy I am here.
I have some shit days and kids can be so hard to handle. They’re so unpredictable and get upset over the dumbest stuff but that’s the beauty of it. I get paid to take care of these kids and clean up after them. I literally walk down stairs to work, pay absolutely nothing except petrol if I go visiting people or for food if I want to go out for lunch – that’s truly all. I get to go to the coolest gym, have my own bathroom, big beautiful room with so much closest space that I die. 

There’s a few negatives but the positives really do outweigh the shit times. 
I’m so lucky here. I’m so lucky not only having this opportunity but I’m so lucky to have the family that I do. & moving to another country honestly shows how loved I am by all of them. Ahhhhhhh!

Next week marks a month since i jumped the ditch. That only leave 5 more months with this contract.. Crazyness?!
I’m settled & at home here. I’m just missing my family 💔❤️ but I truly haven’t felt this safe & free all at once ever before. I’m more me than I’ve ever been and it’s such a beautiful feeling.

If you ever feel like your “leaps of faith” are too great – they aren’t. This will turn out to be your leap of greatness, I promise you. And the only leap that isn’t great or doesn’t pay off, is the one that you were too scared to take.

Here comes the sun 🌥⛅️🌤☀️
Britney rose x

2 WEEKS LATER ✔️

I’ve been in Sydney for 2 weeks now.

14 days of seeing no one familiar except my sister, Billie & Mitch who live an hour from me. 

2 whole weeks of being completely and utterly alone. 

And honestly I fucking love it. It’s been so tough not having anyone I know physically here with me but I truly think this is the best thing I could have ever done for myself. It’s so rewarding to make new friendships & relationships with people. And it’s even better being 100% by yourself because you are basically forced to talk to people that you usually wouldn’t talk to.
I’ve always been so shy and I hate putting myself out there.. It makes me so worried and I don’t even know why. But I’ve had the best two weeks already. 

I live in an amazing house where our backyard is literally boats, so close to cool shops, I live closer than ever to my oldest sister, I’ve been to the races for the first time ever and I met some pretty cool people there. I’ve just come home from being in Melbourne where we stayed in a fucking penthouse – went to my first soccer game and we were literally 2 rows from the field. I’ve been on the Melbourne star, went on a tram around the whole city of Melbourne. Played tennis on a roof top, saw two of the hotels helicopters bring in some famous people & hung out exactly where Harry Styles would have. I have eaten in some delicious, expensive as fuck places & even watched some pretty epic fireworks at darling harbour with great company. 

I drive a Range Rover daily now and I’ve actually changed my mind on them because they aren’t very practical for parking, but nonetheless they still look sick. 
I’ve been laughed at everytime I say fish and chips, togs, shed, jersey… Every thing really. 🙊 but that comes with the territory of being a Kiwi. 

I love this life I have here. I love the people I’ve met & I love thinking about all the things I could do here. I still have a few moments where I feel shit & don’t know why I moved but if I had stayed in the Naki, I’d still be miserable. I wouldn’t have this life and I truly wouldn’t have many options except fuck around and do jack shit. 

I love me for doing this. It takes so much guts to do something completely different from everyone else – but I promise you, it will be so much better than anything anybody else is doing. 
I’m living in fucking Sydney, all by myself and there’s no where else I’d rather be. 

I LOVE ME 👌🏼👋🏼✈️

Britney rose x

MY FIRST WEEK.

I have spent a full 7 days in Sydney, so far.

It feels like I’ve been here 2 seconds but some other times, it feels like years.

I feel so lost but also so found at the same time. Its like a mixture of ‘what the fuck’ and ‘why didn’t i do this sooner’. In some ways I’m scared about what I’ve done, doubting myself that I should have a career, relationship, house etc.. basic shit & truly, I don’t have a single one of those things sorted.. But in other ways, I feel so blessed and excited that this is my life. I don’t have any strings attached. In Sydney, I have my job & home in one. I have a car here and a lot of lovely people around me. AND I have my family back home who do everything they can to help me through this somewhat difficult time.

I feel so blessed.

So here goes… to recap my first week & all of its glory.

I arrived in Sydney after an interesting plane ride that involved a whole rugby team of 15 & 16 year old boys who remembered my exact seat number (10F) and decided to chat with me through the screens on the plane… I didn’t even know this was a thing but I sure do now. That was an interesting 3 and a half hours that I truly won’t ever get back. I had a curry on the plane, which burnt twice. Pleasant. I taxied to my new home, arrived to an empty house and had probably one of the worst panic attacks of my life. But it ended quickly when I realised my family weren’t rapists, murderers or anything of that kind. Lovely. My first meal in Sydney was at a steak house and I had Salmon. Classic Brits. My first night in Sydney I drove a Range Rover. Died inside… Couldn’t believe this is the life I get to experience. Felt a little shit, went to sleep.

The next day we chilled out, got to know each other. I drove the Range Rover again. Love! The next few days were a bit of a blur because I was too caught up in peoples shit back in Taranaki to just enjoy what I was doing. I only use my phone now to chat with my friends and family & update my blogs, insta or Facebook with photos… If i don’t like your stuff, its nothing against you.. Its just that I don’t want to sit and dwell on the fact that I’m so homesick & that I’m not there.. But I’m here on my very own adventure and I think that is a pretty cool thing.

Tuesday, this week. We went to a reptile zoo. I drove the Range Rover (honestly a dream that i get to live everyday) an hour and a half away to this zoo. Through the city & down highways. ( to think I was scared to drive in New Plymouth!) This zoo was unreal. One of the biggest snakes I have ever seen lives theres. Vomit. A crocodile named Evils who eats chickens – bones, feet & all. Kangaroos who don’t care if you are right in their faces & Koalas who have chlamydia. A few Tazzy devils (literally devils, I hate them). Some turtles and couple other little bits and bobs. Such a fun, cool day. It was so nice to get out of the house and not think about anything but having a good time.Such a beautiful experience.

Wednesday. I was suppose to have a personal training session with my hosts mums personal trainer – but alas, things didn’t go my way. Woke up and found that I may have been bitten on my lady bit and I was in some serious pain so i just sat that one out.. Ouch. Drove into Sydney and did a few laps around the same block maybe 5 times. Pretty busy day for this little chicken. Lady bits are healing, thankfully.

Wednesday was also a very special day for me, personally. Wednesday was the first time since landing in Sydney that I was shown a sign by the universe that I am exactly where I’m meant to be. In a mall, I  heard one of mums funeral songs “who knew” by Pink. This is huge for me, it’s something I’ve been waiting for & it was something I truly needed to hear. I smiled to myself and just took a deep breath… Things will be okay because I have my mum with me where ever I go.x

And today we have, Thursday. One week today since my life completely changed. It feels like I have been on a roller coaster that just keeps making me feel sick – both from being so unbelievably nervous but also excited from all the possibilities & opportunities that await me. In one week I’ve found out so much about myself. What I want & don’t want. Where I want to go. Who I want to be. I’m not settled here yet, not really even close but I know that day will come – I just need patience.

This week marks the first time in a long time (or ever) that I’ve literally been COMPLETELY alone. And moving in with people I’ve never met – no wonder I’m such a mess.

I’ve been brave, put on a smile and I’m still faking it until I make it.

& I will make it one day. 🤘🏼

Until then I’ll keep on my little Britney smile & live MY life. I miss all my people back home so much but this isn’t forever. I can’t wait to see you all again sometime soon 😌❤️

Here’s to many more weeks left in my little Sydney life 🙌🏼

Hoping I’ll feel a lot better this time next week!

Britney rose x

LESSONS ✔️

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My heart hurts. I honestly feel miserable.

This blog post really isn’t for anyone else. I’ve written it because I think its something I need to document for years to come, to prove to myself how strong I am. Shit things happen in life and people can be so cruel. I guess what I’ve learnt from some of my situations in life is that you don’t know people. Even if you think you know someone inside and out, you don’t. You could be with someone for 10 fucking years and still they could turn out to completely different. You won’t fully know someone’s intentions or understand how their brain works, no matter how hard you try.

Someone may absolutely love something you hate, but because they don’t think the same as you – they don’t act the same way you would. They don’t have the same emotions or intentions as you do. And that’s okay.

Humans are all different and I think that’s what keeps life interesting. It can hurt thinking one way of yourself in someone’s life and then turning out to mean something completely different. Thinking you mean so much to someone but feeling completely worthless in the end. But it’s a lesson that we need to learn: we don’t know everything. We will never know everything. The stuff we do know is so small in comparison to all we don’t know. And that’s a beautiful, scary thing.

I’ve had my heart broken a few times, not in just ‘romantic’ ways.. By friends, boyfriends, a parent etc; each time hurt a little differently. But somehow I found some (hypothetical) sticky tape and put my little pieces back together again. Learning each time how to handle certain situations a little bit better. I’m not pro, in fact I’m not even close.. I just know how much it stings to see someone you love, love someone else. It fucking hurts.

But I will come out of this so much stronger. I will learn so much in my life & this is just one of those dumb life lessons that we all have to go through at some point. It sucks. It is painful & scary. But without dumb shit like this, we wouldn’t grow as individuals. Hard times truly do show you who you are and what you’re made of.

Whatever is happening, whatever anyone else is doing; it doesn’t change who YOU are. You mean something to this world. Someone will look at you one day and see everything they’ve always been searching for. YOU! You will be that piece to the puzzle and everything will click, all at once. That ‘AH HA!’ moment will be so worth all the tears, heartbreak and misery. You’ll be exactly where you need to be, loving exactly who you need to love.

Until then… I have so much life to live. So many people to meet & love. SO much to do. So much to see. SO many countries to visit, so many planes to fly on. AHHHHHHHH! I’m in the process of planning my Contiki for sometime at the start of  next year over my 2 week holiday. Also Hawaii & LA in January.  AND Bali in June.

What is my life? Its fucking magical. I’m going to try and get rid of my miserable, sad pants and put on my ‘excited to live’ ones. There is so much life to live left in this wonderful life of mine. (future britney please read over this when you are sad!)

Please hang in there. Nothing will ever be given to you if you can’t handle it. And it will all make sense one day. Smile that beautiful smile!

“The person who broke you, can’t be the one to fix you. Remember that”

Britney rose x

ALONE? ✔️

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I’m homesick. I’ve cried myself to sleep so many nights in a row I’ve lost count. I feel shit. I’m scared. I’m anxious. But If I left now, I would only go home to the same shit I ranaway from.

My mum will still be dead, my dad would still have fucked off. My sister will still be in a stable house and relationship & I’ll just be sad, lonely, miserable britney, again. But even more so than before because I would have given up on my one way ticket out of there.

My sister Billie told me at the beginning of this year, while we were sitting in a cafe surrounded by people that theres ‘absolutely nothing wrong with running away’. I always believed growing up that to fix your problems, you had to face them. But in some cases that is absolutely the opposite. If you’re miserable somewhere, why the fuck would you want to stay there and try to resolve your shitty problems that probably won’t change? Honestly for so fucking long I tried to make shit work. So long. Looking back now I have no idea why because it truly didn’t pay off.

BUT.

Everything in my life, I believe, teaches me something. Wither it is resilience, strength, bravery, love or kindness. A lesson is a lesson in the end. My first job at the beginning of this year was shit. That was one of the lowest times in my life. I was so unbelievably anxious all the time just from one person who I let intimidate me. I would literally sit in my car every morning and cry. I wrote a lot of stuff down in my notebook because that helped me spit out all the shit I had trapped inside me – but it didn’t really ease my pain. I did my 3 month stint there and after a few mishaps, I finished up.

That situation taught me how to deal with dickheads. I found out how I don’t like to be treated and I realised that my happiness and mental state was way more important than any good paying, full time job.

I honestly think I’m feeling this way right now because its so new to me. Being on my own, that is. I’ve been so attached to people my whole life.. I cling to people that are closest to me in the hopes that they won’t leave. Most times they leave anyways.

I adored my dad. I was such a daddy’s girl. Me and ash both were; we went to rugby practices every Tuesday & Thursday with him. We would ALWAYS be at rugby on Saturdays and you’d always find us up in the club rooms after the game munching on kbars, hot chips and a fizzy drink.

After he left, and I saw how much pain my mum was in.. so I clung to her. She was the only constant thing I had. She was my absolute world. I literally wouldn’t stay at friends places or really go anywhere because I didn’t want to be away from her. She was honestly like a best friend more than a mum. I slept beside her for a solid 5 years and honestly if she was still here now, I probably still would be. I could tell her anything I wanted, I’d scream, yell, cry, shout, laugh.. everything with her & she loved me just as I was… But then she got sick. We shared some great years together during those times but she couldn’t fight anymore. I lost her. I lost the one person who picked up all the broken pieces and made it look effortless.

I then just clung to two long term relationships – they kept me safe. I was comfortable. But sadly, good things can end too.

Now that I’m overseas, all on my own… my only thing to cling to now is me. I’m the only constant thing I have 24/7. My body is the thing that I wake up to everyday. I shower, feed, dress and hangout with myself. I am the only thing that I can grantee that will not leave me.

Change is a fucking scary thing. But whats scarier is missed opportunities, lost time and regret. Who fucking knows where this will take me, but I bet it will be one hell of a journey. I’ll have some fantastic stories to tell, meet people who will be like family and see the world by doing it.

One step at a time.. even if its just one tinnnnyyyy step, that is progress. And progress is great. Keep going, grasshopper. Cling to those feet of yours and follow your yellow brick road home. You’ll truly never know until you go.

“I love the person I’ve become, because I fought to become her.”

Britney rose x