7th of April


Today is the 7th of April.
In a different universe, I would be flying back to New Zealand today. I had a one way flight locked and loaded, all ready to go. I was set on just packing up this chapter and saying seeeeee ya later Sydney. I was dead set. Renee had asked me to extend my contract a handful of times but I just kept saying nahhhh and carrying on with my plan. 
Anyways one night a few weeks ago, I was taking my lads to guitar like I do every other Wednesday but something about this one was different. On the drive, the boys were just talking away like usual but something in my heart just made me stop and look at their little faces and listen to the words coming out of their brains and I realised that those are mine. Those little creatures in the back are mine. I have such a huge influence on these boys lives and I wasn’t ready to chuck that away… While I was at guitar Renee was interviewing another girl to take over the job once i’d gone back to NZ & I knew that. I took the boys to guitar and rang Air New Zealand to see how easy it would be to change my flight to a later date so i could go home for mums anniversary but also return and carry on with my job.
It was easy. Too easy.

So I did it. 
Changed my flight to the 18th of April and decided I’d sort the return for the 2nd of may… the day after mums anniversary. Which gives me two weeks to spend at home.
I cried and cried telling pops on the phone. I don’t ever want to disappoint anyone in my life… I care so much about not disappointing anyone else that I would rather just disappoint myself instead, to keep everyone else around me, kicking along. Stupid.

 But for once I didn’t really care if people cared because at the end of the day I was doing this for me, for once. For 6 months, thats all I’ve been doing. Me. I didn’t even truly know who I was before I came here. I never really let people fully in because I was so scared that they’d think I was a loser. But really, I was just being a loser by not being honest.
I guess I’ve always just been two steps ahead… even when it felt like I was a few behind. I keep quiet about a lot of things I’m feeling and I put on a really brave front because sometimes, not everything needs to be talked about. 
Ever since i locked in a few extras months in Sydney, so many beautiful things have happened to me. I’ve met some fucking awesome souls – one that I adore the most and he likes gin so that’s a tick. (Ahaha you got a shout out… are you happy? 😉😙) nah but it’s pretty insane how things have just seemed to click. And my heart actually hurts knowing that if I hadn’t changed my flight, I never would have got to explore with this soul. 
I think people come into your life to teach you something and ultimately nothing will last forever but the coolest thing about this was I wasn’t even looking & I found you. 
Souls sometimes find each other in the most insane ways & finding someone you genuinely connect with, on so many different levels can be so rare. So when you do, grab it with both hands and run. Not everything has to be something that lasts a lifetime because there’s all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice. I truly don’t know how this will all play out and neither do you, but for now I am so fuckin happy just kicking along, experiencing a bit of life,

with you
Gut feelings are powerful fucking things and they need to be listened to a whole lot more… I had a gut feeling that I needed to runaway & Sydney was the only place I really wanted to go. I had a gut feeling about renee and my little boy band. And I had a gut feeling that my story here in Sydney, wasn’t quite finished. 

All 3 gut feelings have turned out to be so bloody accurate & the more I listen to my gut, the more good things happen. 
I love this life.

I love feeling exactly like this.
I have completely winged the last 6 months of my life. Bit off a lot more than I can chew but even if you go for it and it doesn’t work out, you still win. You still had the guts to head straight into something that frightened you. That type of bravery will always take you places.
Mum always told me I need to enjoy my life & I literally think about that everyday. She’s been coming up a lot lately. I don’t know if it’s just that time of year or what but I’m liking having her around… it scares the fuck out of me how powerful this universe is and spiritually I know that I’m connected on so many levels because I’m so open to it. I just think it’s sick as fuck that she still gets to do this wild ride of life with me. She sees what I’m doing and brings cool people into my life. Running around making sure her little possum is all sorted; I feel it. I fucking love it. It’s been so so long since I’ve heard your voice but you speak to me every single day in the breezes of the wind or the warmth of the sun. Songs that come on, on the radio or the way the sun sets over the earth. You’re here. You make it pretty bloody clear that you are and knowing your safe and happy makes living without you, a tiny bit bare-able.

I truly can’t believe I’ve survived the last few years without the rock of my life here. We went through a lot together and I think that’s what upsets me the most because we were so in love with the life we shared. We never took it for granted and I knew how lucky I was to be raised by you.
I’ll never ever ever ever ever ever ever understand why this happened to us. To me. 14 years old is way too young to put your mum into the ground. 14 years is nothing. You’ll end up being out of my life longer than you were actually in it. Memories will fade and life will go on… I’ll have kids one day and you’ll never hold them. 
Fuck it stings. 

Fuck it’s unfair. 

I don’t get it.
18th of April, I’ll be able to snuggle up to my family and hang out with them for two weeks.
21st of April is my mummas birthday.
1st of May  is 5 years since my whole life completely changed forever. 

I can’t wait to take you flowers and drink some gin, with you. 

I know you’re still with me but some days truly are harder than others.
I just fucking miss you so much. I feel like a broken record because that’s all I say and feel but fuck this sucks.

And it sucks ass even more because I think this is a forever type of feeling & I will always just miss you. 
Being strong is sometimes so overrated and if you’re feeling shit, just let yourself feel shit for awhile. I’m happy just being… but sometimes I wish I was just being, with you.
X

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Do Bees Get Degrees?

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Theres this stigma, it seems, that you have to be something or someone to be successful. Getting degrees or making big bucks is what seems important but I honestly couldn’t give a fuck about either. Most of my friends are studying at Uni or whatever back at home and 99% of all the conversations I have with them, they’re pretty fucking miserable. Dropping out is a topic we always talk about and I’m probably not the best with advice because I’m usually the one telling them to just do it…But the way I see it is, if you aren’t having the time of your life, get the fuck out of there. Why spend 4 years stuck in a shit place, learning fuck all and getting a big loan that you’ll spend the next 10 years paying off – studying for something you don’t even enjoy, just to end up getting a basic shitty office job that will pay for the gay loan you just wasted the last few years accumulating. I don’t know if I’m just being stupid and close minded, one sighted, tunnel vision or what but that makes no fucking sense to me.

I think I want to study primary school teaching and when I head home for my two week break in a few weeks, I’ll look into it a bit and figure out the best place for me… But i’m not even set on it. I’m so torn between running free and ‘making something of myself’. Right now I’m so fucking happy just doing me and I think that I’m already making something of myself. I literally live for everyday and I don’t think thats too common these days.

I have a full on fucking job, I’m literally a full time for carer and basically a second mum to these kids, my patience has improved immensely and I can use a mop like a boss. I multitask like nobodies business. I laugh through all my tough situations, some days are fucking rough but I work my ass off and in return, I’m happy. Some people I’ve met don’t even class what I do as a job because when I’m working, I’m still fucking happy. I’m happy just being. I feel like shouting from the rooftops that people need to take chances and run while they can because its honestly the most freeing feeling to just, be. or bee. hahahaha nah but I feel like I’ve just discovered such a huge secret that is pretty obvious. To just live. Just be. Laugh at whatever makes you smile and just enjoy this life.

We are merely only a moment here, a speck on this earth. We are such a small fraction of this world and our lifetimes are so short but we drag out the shit parts and focus on negatives, I guess thats why it feels like we have time. I mean we have time, we have a fuck ton of time. We have nothing but time, but if we waste so much of it complicating things when its pretty simple – smile when things are good and continue to smile when things aren’t. Because as I’ve said before and I’ll say 1000 times more, hate can’t drive out hate, only love can do that.

 

I’m the first to put my hand up and say that I’ve struggled before. Everyone has something to their story that makes them, them. Somethings made you strong, somethings made you bitter. Someones hurt you, left you, loved you. Theres always something thats the defining factor of you. All that is you and all that you are… but you can’t sit around and blame that thing,  whatever it is, for the reason you give up or continue. You can’t blame the world for how YOU choose to react to something. No one should be the reason you do things because if you keep putting your happiness in someone else’s hands, you’ll end up disappointed because they’re probably going to drop it every damn time and I think thats fair because you shouldn’t count on someone else to make YOU happy. People will always add something to your life but you need to be okay on your own first because ultimately you’re the only one who’s always going to back you and choose you, everyday.

I guess what I’ve learnt over the past 6 months and also 5 years is that you can’t just wait around for better days to come because you’ll be waiting a fucking long time. No one is going to make you feel better if you feel shit about things to begin with – they’ll probably distract you from your problems for awhile but at the end of the day, you still have to sleep at night. You still have to get up in the mornings and carry on somehow.

Anyways I kind of went off track but basically what I’m saying is if you aren’t happy in your story, change it. If you aren’t happy where you are, leave. Theres nothing wrong with running away. Worked pretty fucking well for me.

Who knows where I’ll end up, if I’ll ever get a degree or “make something of myself”,

All I know is that at the end of the day, if i go out smiling, thats what matters most to me.

 

FreeBeeeeeeee.

Rough.


“That’s the problem with putting others first – you’ve taught them you come second.”
I hate how much I second guess everything. Little changes in the way people word things or say things, a tone of voice, an emoji not sent. A message left on read. Dumb, gay, stupid shit that probably means nothing to normal people, mean so much more than it seems, to me.

No one should ever feel broken because of other people’s actions & trust shouldn’t be able to be lost so easily. 
I feel like I’ve bitten off so much more than I can actually chew – with my job, stayin in syd longer, the people I’ve met, the ones I’ve let in and the ones I’ve pushed away. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life and right now I feel like such a disappointment. I don’t even truly know why because I work my fuckin ass off but I feel like I have nothing to show for it.
I’m so use to just saying what I need to to please everyone even if it isn’t pleasing me, I hate how comfortable I am with putting myself behind everyone else. I’d bend over backwards to make someone happy, even if it put me in so much pain while doing it… just because I am so familiar with feeling shit and hurt, I don’t want anyone else to feel like that. Which is so stupid and contradicts everything I’m even doing saying – I don’t want someone to feel as hurt as I have before, so I make sure they don’t, while I’m still hurting myself? 
Stupid.

As.

Fuck.

I’m so worried about going home, I hate this time of year because all I want is to be held by the one person who won’t ever hold me again. It’s the worst feeling to want something you can’t ever possibly have and it hurts even more when you see other fuckers take what you want & need, for granted. 
Still, I know I need to remember not everyone knows what loss is like. I just wish they did before it’s too late.
5 years is a fuckin long time and it’s been so long I always worry that you’ve forgotten me. My laugh, my smile, the way I’d wrap my legs around yours just so you couldn’t leave the bed without me knowing. My little sayings and the giggle you loved so much. You were my safety blanket – everything. You held everything together and always made sure things were right. You played both mum & dad for me. Good cop, bad cop. We were best friends, mates. I could scream and yell and swear at you, you’d always just love me anyways. You knew me and you knew exactly what I was thinking or feeling without having to say a word. You never left me and if we both had our way, you never would have had to. 
I hate the 1st of May. I hate that you died. I hate that I can’t talk to you and I hate that I just look for love in the worst ways. I hate that you aren’t here to talk things through with. I hate how easy I let people walk all over me and I hate that I can’t speak up about it. 
I hate missing you. 

I fucking hate this.
I have such good days but when the bad ones hit, it feels like they’ll never leave. I try and understand why things are the way they are and I guess, what I’ve learnt about myself is that I just give, because I know how it feels to want… but all I want is to be given the same amount back. 
Too complicated.

Too messy.
I just want to spend the rest of my life laughing and most days, I do a pretty good job… but some days, are rough days.
And today is a rough day.
“You said you liked storms so I let you in,

turns out you could only handle a little rain…

And I was a hurricane.” 
☀️🌤⛅️🌥🌦🌧⛈🌪⚡️

HOLY SHIT I’M CRAP AT THIS! 


Hahahahahahaha 

Can you hear me laughing about how poor my effort of this consistent blogging thing is?!  Obviously commitment isn’t a huge deal anymore with me!

Well ello.

Sorry fellas & fellets. (Is fellets even a word or am I just a lyrical genius?) I’ve been absolutely swamped with life lately and every second I’ve gotten spare, I’ve been shit & slack and haven’t written a damn fucking thing.

It’s a pretty big job I’ve got myself doing over here. It’s isn’t all nanny loves & roses. I legit actually don’t just fuck around all day even though my Snapchat story probably begs to differ. I’ve got 3 little muffins who I chase around trying to get to school on time, eat decent food, stay hygienic, run to after-school activity after activity (well driving is obviously faster honestly but picture me running there, it’s funnier). Every single day is a new challenge and I, no word of a lie, fall into bed at night and die.
Absolutely,

Fucked.

Somehow I still maintain going to the gym almost 6 times a week, give or take a few days, I still have a reasonable social life and I haven’t died yet so I think I’m solidly living. My bank account is looking almost as good and as plump as my tooshie (which I might add, is fucking UGE…. that’s huge but without the H & its fucking cute when Aussie guys say it…okay cool, back to the this whole shit show of a post). 

I’ve got my eyes set on Europe & if I ride at least one bike with a basket around in Paris, I will be one happy bird. Also see the northern lights, play in snow in Switzerland, dance down the streets of Barcelona, kiss someone beautiful at the Moulin Rouge, gondola ride through Venice. Ughhhhhhhhhh, HOLY FUCK GET ME TO EUROPE.

Anyways what other dumb updates do you not want to hear about at all but I’ll tell you about them anyways? Ahhhhhhhhh ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

Oh yeah probably a big one that will come out soon is that, surprise! I’m not moving back to New Zealand. Ahahaha, legit had my flight booked and everything. I’d told everyone I knew that I was coming home and staying with the olds before I made my next life plans but then the other night while I was taking my muppets to their guitar lessons, something clicked and I knew I’d be making a huge mistake if I left this little Sydney adventure too early. 
So I paid $150 to change my flight to a later day and booked a return flight back…. Britney does return flights? That’s bloody new 😳😂🤔
And just as I was ready to pack up my life again and leave, I started to meet some truly beautiful people here. A couple in particular are so familiar it honestly feels like time stands still when I’m with them but really it just speeds up. Hours go by in minutes. They make me believe in souls recognising eachother because there’s too many similarities between us, to not have had connected in the past. So fucking weird but it’s one of the coolest, indescribable feelings I’ve had.
But you’ll see me in Hawera for a few weeks at the end of April, unless you’re reading this & you’re from Sydney because then YOU physically won’t see me in hawera but that’s where I’ll be, hugging sheep, starring at my mountain and what not.

Anyways again, I haven’t written anything in so long & I’ve got so much deep, stupid gooey thoughts running out of my through my head and veins, this could be a very long post and I apologise (not even sorry though) in advance if it gets sickening and lovey. 
BUT.

I’m fucking happy. Genuinely happy. But more importantly, I’m finally just happy with me. I always put my happiness in someone else’s hands which is so dangerous because 9 times out of 10, they’ll drop it every time. Be selfish with your happiness and just make sure, at the end of the day… YOU are happy because of you… make sure you’ll always be okay.

 

I got a new tattoo. It’s a wish bone & it’s so significant and I legit am inlove.
I heard a quote a little while ago that was something along the lines of 

“it’s easier to say I love you than to say I don’t.” 

And I’ve truly never related to something so much for so long…not because that’s personally happened but because it’s so true, not just with relationships but just with life in general. 
I think we tend to hold onto something so much tighter because it’s comfortable & familiar more than anything else. Like for example, when we were kids we would always play on the monkey bars at the playground, right. They were exciting and new when we first discovered them, took a bit of practice to get it down & after awhile our hands would hurt a bit, then eventually they’d get that weird scabby blister thing and but once they had healed up, we’d be off. We could monkey bar all day until our faces turned blue – because we were use to the motion and grip. We mastered those damn monkey bars. But eventually, you realise those monkey bars… they’re always going to the be same thing. Nothing changes. It’s boring. Rocking up to school everyday and seeing the same damn set of monkey bars. You know exactly how to do them, even with your eyes closed. Your hands are comfortable and you are use to it. It may be familiar but it doesn’t bring you any sort of challenge or even pleasure anymore.
Who knows what those monkey bars even signify, but one day you’ll find a set of “monkey bars” that challenge you, enough to keep it interesting but also enough to keep YOU interested. 
The bad news is that nothing lasts forever, but I think that’s the good news too. 

Don’t hang on to shit that isn’t meant for you. Sure, you had a good fuckin time with a guy or girl for awhile. You laughed a lot and they, at one point or another, meant the world to you. But something went wrong and probably felt wrong too. And all I know for sure is that when something feels wrong, it usually IS wrong. Holding onto something that isn’t meant for you, eventually just makes it worse. It’s legit like holding onto something that fucks you up so much more when you let go of it. Like broken glass. You pick up all the big chunks because they’re obvious, but glass is clear & it’s shatters into small pieces when it breaks. And when you squeeze onto it for while and then finally let go, all the little shards are stuck, hidden in that hand. It’s honestly sometimes easier just to pick up the broken glass and just throw it the fuck away… you’ll end up damaging yourself more in the process trying to put the pieces back together, bumping yourself on all the shattered edges, trying to fix it, then you would if you just threw it away.

I’m honestly obsessed with quotes and little quirky sayings. My Instagram is filled with so much positive shit, it’s almost rotten. But it’s something i love so much too. Like rip the piss, talk some shit about the stuff I say or do but honestly it’s pretty bloody #relatable. I’m not going to lie and can’t take all the genius credit because I find most of my shit off Pinterest but, I honestly heal so much more when I can express myself through quotes. Its honestly like someone captures my exact thoughts in one sentence or a paragraph & but they word it so much better than I ever could dream of doing. 

A few people have commented on my writing & have told me they’re impressed. But I’ve said this before and I’ll continue to say it, I never started this blog to please anyone, except myself. I had so many jumbled thoughts in my head and I began writing stuff in my notes on my phone until one day, said fuck it… let’s just post it.

I’m genuine and my truest self… and I think that’s why people are so successful…Because I compete with no one, no one can compete with me. I’m not here to put anyone down or make anyone feel shit about their lives.. I solidly believe in rooting for eachother & watching eachother grow. 

Mum wrote a note for me and ash a few days before she died.. I can’t quite remember what was on the note because we lost it just after she passed away with moving house and what not. But a few things I do remember from the note was her telling us behave, work hard, take care, treat others well – classic mum jargon. But at the very bottom she wrote:

“Always remember, beauty comes from within.” 

I loved it. I love that. I love her. I can’t believe I was raised by someone like that. Her beauty and wisdom was second to none. And every little thing she taught me…like manners, respect, compassion, work ethic (ugh so much I can’t even explain) will always always always be instilled in me. I’m feel so blessed and so lucky. I completely 10000000000% believe you aren’t truly beautiful, unless your soul is beautiful. You could be absolutely dropped dead gorgeous, have a banging body etc, but if you don’t have it inside of you, you’ll just be looks. And looks fade. We’re all going to be old and ugly one day, but you need to find the one who is still going to do it for you just by being who they are.

There’s way too much hate in this world & hate can’t drive out hate…

Only love can do that.

💋💋💋💋💋

No promises on when I’ll post next 

But there will be a next time.

Probably 🤔😉

Free Bee

🙏🏼🐝

TIMING

I absolutely hated when people would tell me that everything happens for a reason and timing is everything. 
Liars. 

So much shit happens and there’s no good reason for it what so ever. (Well that’s what I use to think. I was so bitter that I didn’t look for the light. I hated everything which made everything else that followed, suck).
When you’re looking through a tunnel, all you can see is the distance ending. Tunnel vision is just one way sight, you can’t see what is around you. The light at the end of the tunnel is sometimes nice but what about everything in between? It’s not always about the destination, sometimes it’s all about the journey. 
The end destination in life that we’ll all meet one way or another is death. We work our whole lives away to just eventually die. We get up early, work all day and go to sleep – just to die. 

Well that’s actually just one way of looking at things really fucking negatively but I do have a point so bare with me.
We take life so seriously when all that’s going to happen is that we die. We aren’t here forever – whatever is happening, good or bad, is so temporary. Even if it feels like this won’t ever end, it will. The pain you’re feeling, that’ll pass. You’ll be happy again. You’ll probably be sad again too. And angry. And lonely. But you’ll be happy too. You’ll laugh & cry. Probably grumble as well..But those feelings will come in waves. Good times and bad – they’re important for us.
I guess it’s important that we have both the good and the bad. Because without that bad we truly don’t and won’t appreciate the good. Sounds so gay and loserish but it’s so bloody true. 
Moving away from all of my family made me appreciate them so much more. Distancing yourself from what’s affecting you works wonders because you can see things so much clearer… Even from so far away. 
I don’t really understand timing and how everything works out because not everything HAS worked out for me. But a few things have and I know now why some things fell to shit for me. Without the shit, I wouldn’t have grown or changed. I would still be a negative nacey instead of to positive polly that I am now.
Change is another scary thing for me. Well it use to scare the shit out of me. Even the littlest dumb shit. That would actually scare me the most…dumb shit like new classes & teachers, writing in a new book, trying on new clothes in shops, public toilets, getting a new netball uniform, shoe shopping – I was a wreck. I hated changed. I hated feeling vulnerable. So stupid, how did I even expect to grow? 
Losing mum made me grow up fast. I didn’t realise it at the time but I was way ahead of my friends, maturity wise. Didn’t drink much, just kept to myself a lot. I started drinking a bit in my final year of school but that didn’t really help me. I was on such a high in the weekends but I came crashing down right after – back to my little broken heart. 
I felt abandoned, in a room full of people who loved me. I wanted love from people who weren’t giving it to me or who I couldn’t get it from so I just overlooked the ones who were right beside me, because I knew they’d always be there. 

Makes absolutely no sense and I still don’t understand what I was even thinking but I pushed so many people away for absolutely nothing. 
I pushed out the love because I wanted a different love but that wasn’t the love I needed or was even going to get. 

Dumb? Fuck yes. 
You’ll never find the love you need by forcing love from someone. And that’s such an important thing to remember and realise. Love isn’t something you buy. It’s something you create, something that’s earned. But when loves forced, when people fall out of love – it’s not the same. It doesn’t feel the same. It’s like trying to squish a square into a circle. 
Nooooot a chance, not matter how hard you try. 
Let that shit go. You’ll find something better, when you aren’t even looking. You don’t neeeeed to be with someone. You need to be with yourself.
Timing is everything.

But not everything makes sense at the time.
When everything’s taken away from you and all your options are taken down to the number zero, the only option from here is to feel it. So understand how you’re feeling and just feel exactly the way you do – just bee. 

Be confronted with this feeling. Maybe you’re angry, numb, sad, lonely. I don’t know what you’re feeling but whatever it is; feel it. It’ll pass. All I know and have learnt is this bad shit happens fast – but rebuilding things is slow – have patience.

 

Mum died almost 5 years ago and I still don’t see the silver lining behind it. I actually don’t think I ever will see one because there isn’t really anything that can be good about that whole situation..
But there are other things that truly do make sense, in time.
Have a little faith.

Wait it out.

Breath.
And see.

Freebee x

I’VE BEEN SLACK

Weeeeell Hello… Long time no talk?
Wholey moley I think a part of me forget I even started this blog! It’s been a good while since I posted something and honestly, I haven’t really had a second to sit down and write about the little freebee life. I’ve been working my absolute butt off but living every second I have in this life.
Since my last post, I’ve had Christmas, New Years, traveled to the USA & now my nan and pop have come over to Syd to spend some time with me here before I finish up in a few months time.
Christmas was beautiful. I spent it with my Aussie family. Opened presents in the morning, ate & drank in the afternoon. Bliss. Missed my home team but that comes with the runaway lifestyle. My very first Christmas alone and it wasn’t too bad. Enjoyable even! Haha.


New Years was a quiet one. Spent it with and around family too. Watched fireworks, drank & started a new tradition for my lady. A toast on every New Years & at every destination I travel to. 
On January 1st, we flew to Hawaii. Long flight but I was sat next to the coolest chick, Danielle. (If you’re reading this, hey 😂😘). We spent 10 days in Oahu. Parasailed, swam with sharks, pretended to be pirates, snorkelled every day, found some insanely beautiful spots, met some fish, went to a luau & toasted to my mum out on the ocean during a beautiful Hawaiian sunset with Renee 😍

Made our way to LA after missing our first flight, classic! Got there in the end and stayed 3 nights in Disney. Literally the most magical place on earth. I was like a kid in a candy shop… I even wore my Micky mouse ears for 3 days straight 😂😍 toasted to my Mumma outside the Micky and Minne statue.

Flew home & a few days later my oldies arrived. They’re here now and I am lapping up every second.. I didn’t realise how much I missed them until I saw them walking down to me at the airport. Soooo beautiful. I’ve never had a tighter hug from my pops.. 🙁😍



It’s been 4 months since I started this adventure. That only leaves 2 more months really here in my Sydney life. How insane that its almost been 6 months already. When I first moved here I thought it would drag on and I’d be here forever…Well I actually thought I’d just die before my time here ended 😳 that’s how long I thought it would feel like to be away from everyone.


My next plans are going back home for mums anniversary & then do a few tours in Europe through contiki. 😁 
I’ve had a lot of time to myself here in the past few months in Sydney… A lot of time to reflect and think about this little life of mine. All I want & all I need.. When I first moved over here, I met a few people and I could have easily just jumped into another relationship with some guy straight away because the opportunity was there and all I’ve ever known is relationships and commitment – but this time was different. I didn’t. And I’m glad. I stayed with just me. Just freebee and I’m actually so glad because I want this journey to just be about me. And it is.

Relationships and commitment isn’t something that needs to be forced… And I think I’m only just realising that now. You don’t NEED someone to be complete. You need to be complete on your own and find someone who compliments you. You don’t need to be somebodies – you need to be somebody. At the end of the day, you start and finish this life with you. You need to be happy with yourself first before anyone else can make you happy.

People can walk out of your life as fast and they walked into it… Remember that.

As my time comes to a close here in Syd, as bitter sweet as it is to closing this chapter, I’m so thankful for this little adventure. I’m so glad I booked that one way ticket and took that job off of Facebook. I’ve found someone who has helped me grow, change and experience so many new things. A lifelong friend who I’ll always always have by my side. 
I’ve met so many beautiful people here in Sydney and it’s going to be so hard to leave once I officially do… But this is only the beginning. I didn’t come this far, to only come this far. 
I have the world to go 😅😍 
I love this life I have created… Completely turned it around from the once miserable little Britney to the fearless, happy, motivated, inspirational FreeBee.
I love what I’ve done.

I’m so proud of me.
Until the next time I put fingers to keys, you’ll be seeing me again i promise 😘

What a beautiful story this will bee…

And it’s only the beginning.

FREE BEE 

🐝✌🏼️💋

I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ❌


I’ll never understand this universe.

One minute everything is absolutely beautiful, things are all going smoothly and life could not be better. Then, without even blinking, everything falls to shit & it seems like the sun will never shine again.
I’ve been robbed of so much for so long. And it honestly seems like every single person or thing I try and make a connection with, leaves. I let someone in, they get to know me and then boom. Bye brits. 
I don’t want to grow old all bitter & unhappy because thats not destined for me. I understand life was never meant to be all glitter and rainbows. Honestly it would be boring if nothing went wrong. But it just seems like when bad stuff happens, its like a field day. SO much shit stuff all piled into one big shitty pile. 
I think grief is a journey. One that never truly gets better, we just get use to it. Honestly its been almost 5 years since our little giant left the world and it stings everyday. There truly isn’t a day since she left that I’ve felt completely and utterly, complete. Sure, I’ve had some fucking good times in the last 5 years. But nothing thats ever made me stop looking for her in a crowd.
Its honestly the weirdest feeling to still believe she’s coming home, even after seeing her tiny, cold body all dressed up in her coffin… I still feel like I’m on an episode of punk’d, waiting for mum to jump out from the curtain and laugh about how good she tricked me.

OH how funny that would be.
I have so much to give this world, these people that are in my life & the ones I am yet to meet. I have something to give. 

Its scary to think I was so close to giving up and flying off to be with mum because imagine how upset my mum would have been to think her baby didn’t want to live anymore. 
It was never a person or a thing that made me that depressed. sure, they added fuel to the fire but it was purely me. I think thats how i dealt with it, trying to lesson the pain. I would literally try and calm myself down by telling myself I won’t be here much longer so just enjoy yourself now. that sounds harmless but I didnt mean it in the ‘life is short’ context. I meant that I’d be killing myself one day soon so just smile while you need to, to get through the days until then. 
HOW FUCKED UP.
I am so sorry to myself and to everyone who cares about me that i thought like that. I would have absolutely ruined my family if i left, I know that now. They care about me. They love me. It took me moving over here to actually get that through my brain.
People care about you. You are loved. You mean something.
My heart is hurting and my head is a mess. I ache to think about how much I’m missing out on and how much it would be killing mum to not be here with us. Life is so unfair but i think thats what makes it beautiful.

we are never granted stuff. Tomorrow isn’t always a thing and we may only have this one chance to do or say what we need to.
Its a tricky game, this whole life thing.

But I’m going to give it my absolute best. Love all I can, laugh until I die and make every second a moment of pure beauty.
And when death comes knocking at my door, years and years down the track – it’ll have nothing left to take from me because I would have lived the fullest, happiest, freest life this world has seen.
FreeBee.x

BROKEN HOMES, LOSS & FREEDOM.


“I am working on learning how to be whole and free within myself, to acknowledge my brokenness, manifest my own happiness, and succeed and fail gracefully”
For the past 5 years, I’ve had nothing but full on relationships. I was literally like 14 when I had my first boyfriend and I was with him for almost 3 years. Looking back at everything now, I was so fucking young. I threw myself into commitment because I just wanted someone to want to stick around. I think dad leaving when I was really young, ruined me so much. All I wanted was someone to want me but I went looking for it in the wrong places. Trying to create these little families so I’d have somewhere to go, instead of my “broken” home.

But I didn’t have a broken home. My home was perfect. I had people who loved and adored me but all I wanted back then was the typical mum, dad & kids, type deal.. but those families can sometimes be just as miserable or even more then the “broken” ones.
I think my home would have been broke if dad had stayed and tried to force everything to work. Like trying to glue a broken mirror back together, you’d ruin yourself more in the process trying to stick all the pieces back together just by cutting your hands on all the sharpe, damaged edges. Some things are better left untouched, just as they are. 
I didn’t really realise the effect the divorce had on me until now. Literally my whole high school life was just revolved around having a boyfriend and being committed. how fucking shit is that? I spent so much time trying to have a stable relationship for no fucking reason… it didn’t heal me & thats all i wanted. I just wanted my brokenness to seem less. I wanted to be loved by a boy the way my dad should have loved me.
What a fucking way to live.
Here in aussie, is the first time I’ve been alone. The first time I’ve gotten to know myself, properly. Its insane the things you discover when all you have to hold onto is yourself. Its the most challenging but rewarding thing anyone could possibly do. I’m finally starting to find out who I am, what I like, who I want to be. I love it! 
Over the last 2 months, I’ve realised that I am one broken soul. I’ve had such a shit hand at life and its so fucking unfair. But I’m so glad I didn’t give up when I so easily could have. The rockiest roads often lead to the most beautiful destinations & Here I am today living a better life then any dream I’ve ever had.. Ahhhh bliss. 
Throughout high school, all I was really known as was ‘the girl who’s mum died’… But all I wanted to be known as was Britney. I could let this whole situation define me, throw my whole life away and hate this world because they took away my special person, but I’m made up of everything this world can not take from me. I don’t want this to define me. I don’t want to be bitter and unhappy for the next 40 years. So I’m decided to live my life the way I would if mum was still sitting beside me, today. Free, happy & thankful that I have this life. #FreeBee style.
I can’t tell you how glad I am that I moved. I have so many more options and opportunities now. its so hard to leave, until you leave. and then its the easiest thing in the world. And I left… and I’m never looking back.
It’s honestly never ever too late to be brand new. I promise 😍💋

“Someone fell in love today. Someone was born today. Someone lived through something that could have killed them. Someone won back the love of their life. Someone made their parents proud. Someone healed. Someone let go. 

Seven billion people, and some of us have just had the best day of their lives. Today may have been the very worst day of yours. But take solace and celebrate this simple fact. It wasn’t your best day today, but its on its way, because we all get lucky in turn.”  
I AM SOOOO FREEEEE & IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BEEEEEEE!

#FreeBee
Britney rose x

I’M BAAAAAACK ✔️

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Hey strangers, haven’t written anything in a few weeks… Not too sure why but I haven’t felt like anything I had to say had enough purpose to be posted so I just didn’t write.

My last post was about me realising how dark this past year was for me. And as I’ve said from the very beginning, this is my space. My place to let whatever I want, run free. This space isn’t for anyone else and I don’t write for anyone else. I don’t want to please people with my writing, I just want to be honest and put it all completely out there. No sugar coating, no colourful filters, just life. Just me. Just bee.

I guess I haven’t written anything in awhile because I felt like I was just saying the same shit over and over. This is a whole new world that I’ve chucked myself into. I left all the comfort I’ve ever had, behind. Its such a huge change but one of the best feelings I’ve ever experienced. I kinda wanted to just keep some of that to myself so I backed off a bit from this little space.

Soooooo whats been happening in the last few weeks you might ask? Well apart from the normal 7-5 hours, packing school lunches and driving the range, not a hell of a lot. I’ve been living at the gym, watching way too many netflix movies & eating broccoli like its going out of style.

We’re starting to plan our trip to Hawaii in January. From ziplining, to cage diving with sharks… it is still so insane to me that I am here, doing this. All the things I will take from this experience will be insane. I’ve already grown so much from the time I’ve been here. I feel so much more confident – because I had to be. And i think chucking yourself into the deep end is one of the most rewarding things you could ever do for yourself.

“They wanna see you do good, but never better than them. Remember that.”

i’ve always been such a preacher of this quote. It’s so real & so true. and its been shown to me so much since moving here. Some people back home, I’m sure, would have LOVED to see me fail at this. Me coming home after finding it too hard would have just made their day… and i think thats why I’ve pushed myself so hard to stay here and stick it out. I didn’t want to be the girl who just left because it got too hard. I want to be the girl that people want to be. I want someone to look at me and think “fuck she’s so brave.. I want to be that brave.”

People can say what they like. People can interrupt shit to suit how they’re feeling. People can read way more into something when it isn’t even intended that way. & They will. I guess it helps them deal with their own shit too, in a way. But i think as long as you are confident with how you’re feeling and what you’re doing, then it shouldn’t matter to you.

I come from a small town where chinese whispers happens way too often. People get so caught up in other peoples lives because they’re so bored in their own. I love Hawera. its my home. My mums buried there, most of my family lives there.. i grew up there. But sometimes distancing yourself from everything, makes you see things so much more clearer.

Its a beautiful but strange feeling to walk down an unfamiliar street & know that no one knows you. I can be anyone I want here. I can be me. 100% me. Theres nothing to hide or worry about because absolutely no one knows my past and has nothing to hold against me… and I truly can’t tell you how freeing that feeling is.

I’ve been thinking a lot about whats next for me once my Sydney adventure comes to an end. Contikis are at the very top of my list. I’d also love to volunteer in Africa and build a well or help there in some way. I’d love to work in the mountains in Canda or work with wild horses in California. I love this job I have right now and my family is perfect for me, which makes me feel like if i went to another nannying job next year or whatever & things weren’t like they are now, it could ruin the whole thing for me. Like I feel like I’ve lucked out in a way & I don’t want to make this nannying experience to end up being a bad one because so far its been unreal. Who can literally say their first week of work they were flown to Melbourne and stayed in a penthouse? ME!? I’m dreaming and I never want to wake up…x

I don’t know whats next for me in this crazy life of mine. But all I know is that I didn’t come this far to only come this far. Theres so much more out there for me. So many beautiful souls waiting to add something to my story. So many places I’m left to visit. How cool is it to think that some of the best experiences of my life haven’t even happened yet?it is insane…

Not sure when I’ll write next but I’m sure you’ll be seeing me again soon.

 

Britney rose x

ITS ALL JUST TEMPORARY ✔️


“she didn’t need to be saved. she needed to be found and appreciated for exactly who she was.”
Have you ever felt like not waking up because your dreams are better than what your reality is?

Being here, I feel the complete opposite. NEVER In my wildest dreams, would I have never imagined I’d be where I am today.
It never use to be like this for me though…
I fucking hated high school. I hated everything about it. I was literally so depressed there. Everyday was so shit, especially after I lost mum. I hated everything. I felt so lost and alone. I started to eat my feelings & gain weight and then stopped eating. I struggled so much with so much shit. I hid so much from everyone about how down and low I was. I was struggling so badly with my grades, I hated how different I felt compared to my friends… everyone had normal lives, with at least one parent. I didn’t have either. I didn’t have my own parents to go home to. I didn’t know what it felt like to sit in the car with my mum or dad and just not talk – its such a weird feeling to try and explain but I would give anything to just go for a ride in the car with my mum one more time and just sit there… no awkward silence or anything because we are both just comfortable. Ahhhhh my dream.

anyways I went through such a rough time throughout my last few years at high school. I got chubby, then skinny. People who thought I was just some weird girl started to notice me. Boys wanted to hangout with me. People cared. Its such a strange feeling to try and force happiness on yourself when all you want is the ground to swallow you, whole. 
I thought after high school, all my worries would fade. The sun would come out and I’d be me again.

FUCK WAS I WRONG.

The opposite happened. I was more depressed than I had ever been before. I would literally cry myself to sleep at night and beg for it to just end. I was in so much pain physically and emotionally. I needed my mum then more than ever and no matter what I did, I couldn’t have her. I never listened to music anymore, hated what I saw in the mirror. Hardly ate anything because I just felt so shit. Never saw my family because I hated who I was and I was so scared if they saw how I was, I’d worry them all. My iron levels were scarily low. I just wanted to end my life. I thought it would be so much easier for my family to plan my funeral then for me to feel like this for the rest of my life. It was the scariest time & I truly didn’t think I could go on very longer.

Now I know all that was wrong was my environment. I was stuck in the same place where so much shit had gone wrong that I was just expecting more shit. I was literally bringing shit to upon myself, just waiting for it. I was constantly waiting for the next person to leave or the next person to fuck me over. Living on edge is the scariest feeling, especially when all you want is to jump off & end it right there. 

I’m so glad I never went through with all the shitty things I had planned. 

I didn’t NEED to be saved, by anyone. But all I wanted was someone to save me. I thought that would be the answer but I was the answer to all my problems all along but for so long I thought I needed something or someone more to help fix me. But…I was never broken, just a little jumbled and mixed up.

Its one of the best feelings to wake up everyday, excited to be alive. For so long, I just wanted to never wake up. I hated when my alarm would go off & remind me that I was still breathing – now I’m usually awake waiting for my alarm to go off so I can start my day. 

I’m heart broken that I hated myself and my life that much that all I wanted to do was end it & leave all my beautiful family behind. Mum would have literally killed me for wanting giving up when she fought so hard to stay here and I think that’s what made me stay.

Never remove yourself from the equation. Remove yourself from the situation…but never feel like you’re the problem. You aren’t. I felt worthless and shit for so long, I felt like I was so easy to leave behind and I was truly just waiting for people to leave me. I ended up pushing so many people away, ones that probably wouldn’t have even left me. 

It’s a long dark tunnel when you’re depressed. I was never medically diagnosed with depression, I never wanted to be told that was wrong with me. But I know it was a pretty bad situation I was in mentally. No one should ever want to end their lives over temporary problems. It’s literally a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It’s just temporary. All your worries will fade and it will all make sense one day.

Life does get better and I’m living proof.
My dad left, mum got so sick and died, I was so depressed, hardly ate, did shit in school and pushed everyone close to me away…
Now I’m driving range rovers, hanging out in penthouses, going to Hawaii at the beginning of January, getting paid to live in this sick as fuck house, I go to the coolest gym and hangout with some awesome people. I literally live the coolest life – better than any dream.

I never thought this is where I’d end up, but I’m so glad that this is where I am. I haven’t felt this happy and free all at once before. My broken little heart is fixed and the light in my life is shining brighter than ever before. I am so unbelievably happy here and I’m so proud of myself for doing this. 

Keep going little caterpillar. Just wait for your wings to grow and then learn how to use them 😍🙌🏼👋🏼 

Britney rose x