Life is unpredictable,
It changes with the seasons.
Even your coldest winter,
Happens for the best of reasons.
And though it feels eternal,
Like all you’ll ever do is freeze.
I promise you spring is coming.
And with that,
brand new leaves.
Life is unpredictable,
It changes with the seasons.
Even your coldest winter,
Happens for the best of reasons.
And though it feels eternal,
Like all you’ll ever do is freeze.
I promise you spring is coming.
And with that,
brand new leaves.
I guess we should start somewhere.. Right?
Hi! My names Britney. I was born and raised in a tiny town in New Zealand. I’m 18 and my life goal (at this point) is to see every single part of this beautiful globe.
This blog will consist of everything me.
I feel like I have so much to say but nowhere to put all my thoughts..
So here it shall stay😍
Look forward to all my updates; all my struggles and triumphs, travel adventures (once I jet set off), food, fitness, happiness and freedom.
For an 18 year old I’ve experienced a lot. The list is long. But isn’t everyone’s?
People say I’ve been to hell and back but on the trip I’ve learnt so much.
And one of the most important things that I’ll forever be thankful for is that I have my health and as long as I have that, nothing else truly matters. Life is beautiful 😍
I love quotes maybe a little too much, I spend way too much time on Instagram and Pinterest, wanting my life to be “pinable” Which one day I hope it will be ☺️
Who knows where I’ll end up or where I’ll even be in a years time but I know I’ll get there and it will be better than anything I could ever imagine.
“You were born with the ability to change someone’s life.. Don’t ever waste it.”
Britney Rose x
Shit it has been a hot minute since I’ve posted anything but honestly I feel like the last few posts have started with the exact same sentence. I’ve been so crazy busy trying to balance work life, gym life, stressing over money, making time for friends and making time for myself too. I feel like I don’t have much going on but at the same time I hardly have a second to catch my breath. 9 weeks left until I leave for Europe. Thats 9 weeks left of pay. 9 weeks left in my own bed. 9 weeks of living out of an actual house and 9 weeks left of guaranteed, 3 meals a day. 9 weeks isn’t that long in the scope of things and I’m honestly shitting myself. I’m so excited to be somewhere new and meet so many new people but I’ve finally found my stride here. I could do my job with my eyes closed and I’ve become use to my environment… my people. my places. I’m worried about money – the usual. I’m worried that theres going to be a fucking terrorist attack while I’m over there. I’m scared that I’ll never ever see Hawera and my family again. Being in Aus I’m really only a hop, skip and a jump away from home. 3 hours and I’m back in sheep shagging territory. But Europe is miles and miles out of my comfort zone. I was so ballsey booking this shit and now that I’ve had so much time to think about what I’m actually about to throw myself into is fucking with me. Booking my flight to Syd, I had only days until my fly out date. It all happened out of nowhere so I didn’t really have time to talk myself out of it… It wasn’t until I was actually on the plane that I started to freak but I thought to myself “Well its a little too late to back out now, Brits.” and I just got on with it. Europe will be good for me. If it wasn’t meant to go like this, then I’m sure the universe would have stopped me one way or another. What is meant to be, will always find a way. I think I’ll alway be a worry wart until the day I die, not necessarily a bad thing – just a tricky one to balance.
Anyways better update you stalkers on what I’ve been up to.
Right now I’m sitting in a cafe in Westfield and if you’re reading this then the wifi didn’t fail me and somehow this blog is posted. I ordered a coffee & this gross breakfast thing with eggs, avo and halloumi. I basically just got it for the halloumi because I fucking love this shit but I 100% regret my decision. Gross.
At the same time that I’m hating my food, I’m working on my University application for Auckland. I’ve been offered a place for next year doing a Bachelor of Primary School Teaching and thought i might as well keep my options open. I have no idea what Europe has in store for me but if all else fails, I can settle down for 3 years and make something of myself. But I have to somehow attend an interview at the Auckland campus sometime soon to secure my spot for next year, which is going to be rather difficult half way around the world. Good one Brits.
I’ve been drinking so much water lately and I was so worried about drowning myself that i actually googled if you could die from drinking too much water – and you can. Wow. What a way to put my mind at ease hey! The gym has been my second home since I came back from NZ and its a really good release for me. Instead of crying and being a sook, I just got and kick the shit out of a punching bag. It’s pretty violent but better than having salty tears. With so much gyming, I’ve actually been sleeping so much better which makes my days even better. I feel like the more energy I use up during the day, the better sleep I have and the more well rested I am. Pretty fucked but I’m actually loving it.
I went to Melbourne for the second time a few weeks ago and we drove instead of flying there. I drove basically the whole way there and back which was actually so much fun. The longest drive by far I’ve ever done in my life! 10 hours there and 10 hours home again. But to be fair I didn’t really have to do much, just drove straight for 800km and set it to auto drive. Simple. I found some cool little beach shacks somewhere in Melbs so I made renee take photos of me in front of them. I love it.
We saw the socceroos vs brazil game but I was solidly just cheering “Go New Zealand!” A few dumbasses had the audacity to say “the kiwis aren’t playing” and obviously I’m not stupid but I was making a point that I wasn’t supporting anything or anyone else except my sheep shaggers. All Black Everything. ALWAYS, my friends.
Speaking of my beautiful all blacks, they’re playing in sydney just before I scoot off to Europe. And I’ll be attending the game with all the merch I can possibly find and fit on my body plus my face painted black and white. I love being a kiwi.
My new favourite food is weatbix but they have to be crunched up & cold. The way i had them when I was just a wee bee. I love spinach so much too like its almost unhealthy how much spinach I’ve been eating. While I’m on health topics, this is probably a bit TMI but fuck it – anyways I changed birth control pills when I went back home, from AVA 20 to AVA 30. Simply because I had been on AVA 20 too long and my body wasn’t really working well with it anymore, breakthrough bleeding and all that fun stuff. Soooo I changed. I’ve felt crap ever since I came back to Aus. Just thought it was homesickness, but got over that fast. Then thought I was just tired, slept heaps but still felt shit. Then thought I was dehydrated, so I practically drowned myself with water which didn’t solve my problems. Then I went to trusty google and looked up symptoms of AVA 30 and I have basically fucking all of them! OF COURSE. Now that I’m ages away from my doctor, I can’t simply change to another pill because that would just be way too simple and too easy, and we don’t do that in Britneys world. So I’ve self diagnosed myself, thanks to google and I’m taking myself off it for a few weeks to see if that makes a difference or if we have bigger issues. To be fair, I have been on the pill for years & years and I probably do need a break before I completely kill all my little baby eggs and I end up not being able to have kids one day.. It’s all about options. Poppa has always told me not to burn my bridges so I’m taking this situation like a bridge. I’m practically a doctor anyways right? But basically the point of this ‘too much information’ topic is to to remind you all to listen to your bodies. Because mine is hating me right now and I can’t carry on doing this if it isn’t working, ya know? A little detox before Europe will probably do me good. Mentally and physically.
I found this old photo of me and ash the other day. The pink hair and brace face days. This photo was taken a few months after mum died. Its amazing how much can be hidden behind a smile. I was so broken here. I’m still so broken now but back then was a whole different story. Its amazing how quick time seems to go too. Where have the years gone?
Anywayyyys I think thats all the updates I have.. jus the same old, same old for the time being. High on life & planning my next runaway.
I’ve been back in kangaroo land for almost 2 weeks now. The tears have stopped and I pulled myself together. Took a bit honestly. I think just the initial shock of realising what you’ve done all over again after being back with your people again, is pretty full on. Like this whole thing is pretty full on as it is. I was second guessing myself so hard when I first got back and I just wanted everyone to tell me I had done the right thing in coming back but honestly & truly, I’m the only person who needed to tell me I’m doing and have done the right thing.
And I have.
A big fat fucking, fuck yes to myself for doing this all over again. High fives and a pat on the back. It takes guts and I honestly urge anyone to do it. Runaway. Move somewhere where you know absolutely no one. It makes you grow up so much but you also realise there’s so much more out there than just the little place you call home. Hawera is beautiful for all it’s taught me and it’ll always be my foundation & home but there’s so much more out in this world. It’s crazy to think that Sydney is just the start of all the places I’ll call home. It’s cool though, thinking about a world tour of nothing but FreeBee.
Kylie Jenner said 2016 was the year of just realising stuff but honestly I’m starting to realise a lot more this year than last. Ahahaha nah but honestly & seriously I’m beginning to recognise that real happiness isn’t something large and looming on the horizon ahead but something small, numerous and already here. The smile of someone you love. A decent breakfast. The warm sunset. Gin & lift. The smell of rain. Your little everyday joys all lined up in a row…
I fucking love simple things. I’ve always liked getting up for the sunrise because theres never usually anyone around to remind me who I’m supposed to be, so it’s easier to remember who I am. And there’s no better feeling than just, being.
I’m all about being.
True & honest.
Happy and free.
Today’s Mothers Day and my heart fucking hurts. I’m a broken record, I know. I honestly feel like that all my life revolves around is being heart broken because I lost the one person I never thought I’d have to be without. It’s fucking bullshit. Most days I just get on with it and carry on. Some days I’m a mess and just cry. Others, I’m angry. But most days I look like everything is A-okay. Hardly ever is but I sell it pretty well. Which is fucking terrible because it’s not until you’re alone, you truly realise how fucked up you feel. And if I had just been honestly from the beginning and said I’m hurting, I wouldn’t be silently suffering.
Losing people in life sucks balls in itself. Like death is fucking shit but an equally shit feeling is losing someone that’s still breathing and knowing they’re carrying on their life, without you.
Missing your company, your laugh, your smiles, snuggles, music taste. Miss our sunsets and sunrises because they aren’t really the same watching them alone since we started chasing them together. Missing you. It was a little piece of forever… our little piece of forever. And as much as it was something but also nothing at the same time, I’m just glad I had that. Whatever it was. It was something. & Because of you, I’m certain you can be homesick from people too.
My heart is hurting all over the show for so many reasons. But I’ll continue on. Have to. Picking up my little broken heart strings and carry on because I’ve got a feeling that this is just one of those dumb lessons.
They’re good in the long run but for now, they suck.
Anyways thought I’d just chuck up a little update just to tell ya I’m still alive & kicking. If you wanted to see my daily shit more regularly, I usually update snapchat religiously so jump on there. Instagram is a go to for me aswell. 🙌🏼👏🏼✌🏼
Life’s going, even if you aren’t having the greatest day, you are still having a day. And life will go, regardless. At least jump on, smile and enjoy the ride. X
Well I just blinked and somehow I’m already finished in New Zealand. It was fucking nippy back home, I must say. I think my nipples might be chaffed from being so cold and stiff & rubbing on my shirt.
Anyways, I had a reading while I was back home. I like readings. I never believed in them before mum passed away but I think they help me heal. But in saying that, I know some mediums are bullshit…It’s easy to fake stories and things because people who are grieving will believe anything as long as its what they want to hear. But I’ve been to a few good ones over the years. They’ve all said a few really significant things that no one really knew. One chick told me mum had her boots on… to which I laughed because that was a joke between me and ash and mum. We hated those boots, hid them from her once actually up the top of my cupboard. Mum was pissed but me and ash thought it was hilarious. Me and ash buried mums hideous black boots with her in her coffin and no one really knew that except the immediate family. Blew me away. A few other things have been said that make me honestly shit myself because it’s unbelievable the stuff that is said and sometimes I haven’t even said out loud.
My reading at home was good. I have so much travel in my future. Apparently I’m going to work as some kind of rep for a travel company and work with all these cool as fuck people. Some dark haired, delicious chap is going to come into my life in Europe and we’re going to travel a little together, which I’m truly not complaining about.
But she said to me “be the blogger you say you are” and when she said that, i honestly I knew it was coming. She said I am the person I say I am, but lately I haven’t been and that’s so fucking true.
I think I got caught up in what everyone else was doing and what I was doing with everyone else instead of focusing on me. Last year I fell in love with taking care of myself – wasn’t interested in seeing anyone really after I left NZ and moved to Aus because I had just jumped out of a 2 year relationship and I was in a new place where I didn’t really know anyone so it was just me getting to know myself. Which was sick. But this year I’ve gotten to know people and start hanging out with them, ya know whatever and I feel like I’ve started to rely on them to be happy and feel the way I was feeling last year. It’s so confusing to even put into words but I haven’t been looking after myself very well, working fucked up hours and hardly sleeping. Running on empty and spending ever spare moment with someone. I’ve been so exhausted but having human contact, relationships and friendships became all I focused on. Just having someone text you back or want to see you all the time. It’s fucked. And so exhausting.
Here I was, preaching about not needing someone to make you happy when i was doing the complete opposite. I was sitting by my phone all hours of the day waiting to be wanted. But as I’ve said before, if you put your happiness in someone else’s hands they’ll just drop it every time. And they did.
I love the people I’ve met and the ones I’ve become close with. I have truly met some beautiful souls and as much as I want to be something more with them, who knows what will happen. They could easily just be a lesson. And some lessons suck.
I can’t wait to be loved and adored and held and chased. I can’t wait to feel the love I give so freely. But I guess you’ve gotta learn the hard way that not everyone is going to fit into your puzzle, as much as you want them to… some things just aren’t meant to be.
My olds took me to New Plymouth airport yesterday and saying goodbye to them was probably the hardest. I think when you’re growing up, you don’t really realise that the ones you love are getting older too and being in another country, you miss out on a lot. It’s so hard being away especially from my two olds and ash.
Here are some photos from my little sneak home.
A snuggle with Cheryl.
A sunset from home.
A few cheeky handstands…
The sick as fuck cake we made Ella for her 8th birthday…
Me being a typical kiwi.
Me and my main man.
I’m back in Sydney now. I landed last night and I’m feeling fucking miserable. I know this feeling won’t last long, well I’m hoping anyways . This times different because I have a bedroom set up, a familiar bed, my Aussie family and my friends and I know how to do my job well but it’s still fucking rough, a sickening feeling… not knowing if you’re doing the right thing, just hoping you are. Going home and being with everyone again was beautiful but as hard as it is to go, I know I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, back in Sydney. It just sucks like seeing everyone and then going but I’m so much more better off here than Hawera. Hard to put into words because the feeling is so strange… just having an urge to get out and run.
I have always had a really strong intuition and I’m drawn to people who think the same way as me. I get strong gut feelings but I haven’t really learnt to follow them until lately. I’ve got the strongest gut feeling there’s so much out there for me to find…I’m just following my nose and trying to find it. Sydney was a complete gamble. I was the shy little shut the fuck up chick who never stepped out and tried anything new because all I did was worry, but that’s not who I am anymore. I still get scared about the usual stuff like getting pregnant or missing flights but I’m doing alright because neither of those have happened so far.
(Ahahahahahaha I would die and poppa would fucking flip)
Nah but I’ve grown and changed and matured so much but at the same time I’ve also lightened up, found my inner kid and had a lot more fun than I have ever before. I love gin now, I’ve swam with Sharks, parasailed and I want to jump off everything I find. Might even jump out of a plane before I leave Sydney. I’ve gotten some cool tattoos that mean so much and although people don’t quite understand them all, I am still so in love with them.
In saying that, a long time ago I learnt not to explain every detail of everything to people,
It misleads them into believing they’re entitled to know everything you do. I hate complicating things but I think we as humans do it unintentionally. But its really simple. Just do your best and what will be, will be.
Sydneys my playground for the next 3ish months and at the end of August I’m flying out to London from Sydney and starting my two Europe contikis.
Who knows what the fuck I’ll do next but the way I see it is,
life’s a daring adventure or nothing at all.
You reading this, who ever you are:
Thanks for loving me, following me, believing in me and being with me on this little adventure we call life. I’ve loved my time at home and I’m guttered to leave but I can’t help how I’m feeling. There’s a few people I wish I could pack in my bag and bring along with me but I guess if you love something set it free… so thank you for letting me go & roam, soar, fly so high and far. I know I’ll always have my people who get me and my jumbled mind. Thank you for backing my plans and allowing me to just go. It’s so hard to leave you behind but there’s so much out there’s it blows my little kiwi mind.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, what I’ll be or do. Who knows if I’ll even make something of myself or just end up broke, living on Ashleigh and Scotts couch…but all I really want to do in this life above all, is to make my family and myself proud.
I don’t know much, wasn’t the smartest kid in school. I fuckin hated biology and wagged pretty much every single class in my final year. Started an internal the day before it was due – it was a 3 day experiment on those slater bug things. I sweet talked the teacher and managed to get the paper done in an afternoon and I actually got a merit for it. ahahahahahahahahaha still makes me laugh because a few other people in my class who actually tried hard on it for weeks didn’t pass and little old fuck around, tinny ass me, did.
People never expected much from me I don’t think because I never really said how I felt, just kept quiet and got on with it. Always got in trouble for being too much of a smart ass and way too cheeky…my time management skills weren’t as good as they should have been, I got by just doing what I needed to and I’ve always just been average.
I don’t know a hell of a lot,
All I know for sure is…
Somewhere, something is waiting to be found, known, explored & loved.
And I’m on my way to find it.
I don’t know where I’m going from here but I promise it won’t be boring.
“Age is no crime.But the shame of a deliberately wasted life, among so many deliberately wasted lives,
Quotes make me stop and think so much. I almost hate how different my perspective is from most of the people my age. I kinda hate how much I appreciate simple things because I feel like I’m just preaching all the damn time. I never want to waste a second and I always want people to know how much they mean to me – but always being that person for everyone else is so exhausting. I bring it on myself though but I guess it’s so simple to forget how quick opportunities go by & just wanting everyone to grip them with both hands while they’re around is so frustrating.
It’s basically like we’re all listening to the same song but we all hear the lyrics & beat so differently. That’s how I am with music anyways and quotes too I guess. I probably read into things a little bit more than I should but I guess that’s not necessarily a bad thing, either. The tone of voice or the way people write back fucks with me. I complicate a lot of things in my head, probably way more than it ever should be to begin with. I’m more of and have always been a sit down, shut up type person and that’s probably why I stirr so much up, on my own, in my own head.
I don’t know too much, but I do know that I say I don’t know too often when I know exactly what I say I don’t. It’s pretty simple, say how you feel and let it ruin you or don’t & let that fuck you up even more.
I write a whole lot better than I can actually say stuff out loud. And I purely just made this whole blog thing because it’s a release for me. I guess I’m both happy & sad all and once,
And I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.
If you follow me on anything, you’d probably see how obsessed with reading & books I’ve been lately. I’ve always enjoyed reading but didn’t really allow myself the time to spend doing it. Mum always made us read as kids, getting us a library card really young and always making time to take us get out our lame books… the little thing she did for us honestly instilled so much in me. I’m a lot more like her than and I realise and I love it.
I joined a library down here because I felt like I was missing something – starring at a screen fucks with me because I’m constantly wanting to check what everyone else is up to. The latest Instagram or snapchat. Like as good as this whole social media shit is to keep in contact and what not, it can really take control of you. Like I love finding cool spots to capture or quotes that I relate so much to, so I share it but I think not everything needs to be shared & posted about and that’s something I find hard to get a hold of sometimes..most of my favourite moments aren’t even captured, they don’t make it online because some things I just want to keep a little to myself. And I think that’s fuckin beautiful.
I was always scared of the dark growing up but, over time I’ve learnt that beautiful things happen in the dark. When the sun goes to sleep & when the stars give light kisses when the moon is a spotlight. Life stays beautiful even when you’re covered in darkness.
I’m excited to head home for a bit. I like airplanes. I like anywhere that isn’t a proper place. I like in betweens. I like where my head is at right now. I like the britney, out of hawera & i’m honestly a little nervous to go back home because I guess people are use to just Hawera britney. Little country girl who would always just shut the fuck up and get on with it.. the little doormat.
Nervous but excited for them to see me, to meet me all over again. I feel good so fuckin goood knowing I’m not stuck though. I have a life out of hawera – something out of my little pond. An ocean. I have stuff and people here to come back to which is so good because my homesickness shouldn’t be too hard to deal with compared to when I first moved over the ditch.
I’ve met some beautiful souls across my little travels and I was a little funny about getting close to people because I’ve always been so use to people leaving but I’m starting to accept that even if you aren’t here to stay, I’m just glad the universe allowed you to stop by.
I think everyone I meet adds a little bit more to me and my story. A glimpse, a conversation or a meaningful friendship all bring something to me. That’s how I try to see it anyways… not everything has to be something long lasting, even if you want them to be. Some people come into your life just to teach you how to let go. Others teach you what it’s like to love and be loved and some people are brought to you just to show you that some people are just fucking assholes.
All are good lessons & we’ll learn them repeatedly throughout this life.
Its scary though, thinking about how wrong you can be about people. To see one tiny part of them,
And confuse it for the whole.
I think about you every single day & wonder if you’re wondering about me too. It’s a fucked up situation that we’re in and I wish it was different. Wish you were here. Wish I didn’t have to even wish you cared. Having one parent who can’t physically be here but would do anything to be here with me & then having the other parent, who chooses not to be here but could easily jump on a plane to be here is so fucking painful. I’ll never understand. Probably don’t even want to understand. A tattoo on an arm doesn’t and won’t make you a parent – even if it looks like you are to other people. Who cares what you pretend to look like. If you aren’t it, It doesn’t count.
I don’t fucking get it…in the end, I guess you just want someone who will back you without even thinking twice.
Ugh. Life. So stupidly complicated but so simple.
7 sleeps till I’m drowning in nothing but family & kiwiness. I’m so excited to sneak home but I’m even more excited to take my lady some flowers & share a gin next to her. Almost 7 months since I’ve been able to sit beside her and that’s probably the thing I’ve missed most in this chapter.
Hooooomeeeeee times almost here. Can’t wait to drive my little car around & see my big snowy rock. I’m so fucking ready to just breath at home & celebrate my lady, the main reason why I’m here today.
See ya when I’m looking at ya,
Today is the 7th of April.
In a different universe, I would be flying back to New Zealand today. I had a one way flight locked and loaded, all ready to go. I was set on just packing up this chapter and saying seeeeee ya later Sydney. I was dead set. Renee had asked me to extend my contract a handful of times but I just kept saying nahhhh and carrying on with my plan.
Anyways one night a few weeks ago, I was taking my lads to guitar like I do every other Wednesday but something about this one was different. On the drive, the boys were just talking away like usual but something in my heart just made me stop and look at their little faces and listen to the words coming out of their brains and I realised that those are mine. Those little creatures in the back are mine. I have such a huge influence on these boys lives and I wasn’t ready to chuck that away… While I was at guitar Renee was interviewing another girl to take over the job once i’d gone back to NZ & I knew that. I took the boys to guitar and rang Air New Zealand to see how easy it would be to change my flight to a later date so i could go home for mums anniversary but also return and carry on with my job.
It was easy. Too easy.
So I did it.
Changed my flight to the 18th of April and decided I’d sort the return for the 2nd of may… the day after mums anniversary. Which gives me two weeks to spend at home.
I cried and cried telling pops on the phone. I don’t ever want to disappoint anyone in my life… I care so much about not disappointing anyone else that I would rather just disappoint myself instead, to keep everyone else around me, kicking along. Stupid.
But for once I didn’t really care if people cared because at the end of the day I was doing this for me, for once. For 6 months, thats all I’ve been doing. Me. I didn’t even truly know who I was before I came here. I never really let people fully in because I was so scared that they’d think I was a loser. But really, I was just being a loser by not being honest.
I guess I’ve always just been two steps ahead… even when it felt like I was a few behind. I keep quiet about a lot of things I’m feeling and I put on a really brave front because sometimes, not everything needs to be talked about.
Ever since i locked in a few extras months in Sydney, so many beautiful things have happened to me. I’ve met some fucking awesome souls – one that I adore the most and he likes gin so that’s a tick. (Ahaha you got a shout out… are you happy? 😉😙) nah but it’s pretty insane how things have just seemed to click. And my heart actually hurts knowing that if I hadn’t changed my flight, I never would have got to explore with this soul.
I think people come into your life to teach you something and ultimately nothing will last forever but the coolest thing about this was I wasn’t even looking & I found you.
Souls sometimes find each other in the most insane ways & finding someone you genuinely connect with, on so many different levels can be so rare. So when you do, grab it with both hands and run. Not everything has to be something that lasts a lifetime because there’s all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice. I truly don’t know how this will all play out and neither do you, but for now I am so fuckin happy just kicking along, experiencing a bit of life,
Gut feelings are powerful fucking things and they need to be listened to a whole lot more… I had a gut feeling that I needed to runaway & Sydney was the only place I really wanted to go. I had a gut feeling about renee and my little boy band. And I had a gut feeling that my story here in Sydney, wasn’t quite finished.
All 3 gut feelings have turned out to be so bloody accurate & the more I listen to my gut, the more good things happen.
I love this life.
I love feeling exactly like this.
I have completely winged the last 6 months of my life. Bit off a lot more than I can chew but even if you go for it and it doesn’t work out, you still win. You still had the guts to head straight into something that frightened you. That type of bravery will always take you places.
Mum always told me I need to enjoy my life & I literally think about that everyday. She’s been coming up a lot lately. I don’t know if it’s just that time of year or what but I’m liking having her around… it scares the fuck out of me how powerful this universe is and spiritually I know that I’m connected on so many levels because I’m so open to it. I just think it’s sick as fuck that she still gets to do this wild ride of life with me. She sees what I’m doing and brings cool people into my life. Running around making sure her little possum is all sorted; I feel it. I fucking love it. It’s been so so long since I’ve heard your voice but you speak to me every single day in the breezes of the wind or the warmth of the sun. Songs that come on, on the radio or the way the sun sets over the earth. You’re here. You make it pretty bloody clear that you are and knowing your safe and happy makes living without you, a tiny bit bare-able.
I truly can’t believe I’ve survived the last few years without the rock of my life here. We went through a lot together and I think that’s what upsets me the most because we were so in love with the life we shared. We never took it for granted and I knew how lucky I was to be raised by you.
I’ll never ever ever ever ever ever ever understand why this happened to us. To me. 14 years old is way too young to put your mum into the ground. 14 years is nothing. You’ll end up being out of my life longer than you were actually in it. Memories will fade and life will go on… I’ll have kids one day and you’ll never hold them.
Fuck it stings.
Fuck it’s unfair.
I don’t get it.
18th of April, I’ll be able to snuggle up to my family and hang out with them for two weeks.
21st of April is my mummas birthday.
1st of May is 5 years since my whole life completely changed forever.
I can’t wait to take you flowers and drink some gin, with you.
I know you’re still with me but some days truly are harder than others.
I just fucking miss you so much. I feel like a broken record because that’s all I say and feel but fuck this sucks.
And it sucks ass even more because I think this is a forever type of feeling & I will always just miss you.
Being strong is sometimes so overrated and if you’re feeling shit, just let yourself feel shit for awhile. I’m happy just being… but sometimes I wish I was just being, with you.
Theres this stigma, it seems, that you have to be something or someone to be successful. Getting degrees or making big bucks is what seems important but I honestly couldn’t give a fuck about either. Most of my friends are studying at Uni or whatever back at home and 99% of all the conversations I have with them, they’re pretty fucking miserable. Dropping out is a topic we always talk about and I’m probably not the best with advice because I’m usually the one telling them to just do it…But the way I see it is, if you aren’t having the time of your life, get the fuck out of there. Why spend 4 years stuck in a shit place, learning fuck all and getting a big loan that you’ll spend the next 10 years paying off – studying for something you don’t even enjoy, just to end up getting a basic shitty office job that will pay for the gay loan you just wasted the last few years accumulating. I don’t know if I’m just being stupid and close minded, one sighted, tunnel vision or what but that makes no fucking sense to me.
I think I want to study primary school teaching and when I head home for my two week break in a few weeks, I’ll look into it a bit and figure out the best place for me… But i’m not even set on it. I’m so torn between running free and ‘making something of myself’. Right now I’m so fucking happy just doing me and I think that I’m already making something of myself. I literally live for everyday and I don’t think thats too common these days.
I have a full on fucking job, I’m literally a full time for carer and basically a second mum to these kids, my patience has improved immensely and I can use a mop like a boss. I multitask like nobodies business. I laugh through all my tough situations, some days are fucking rough but I work my ass off and in return, I’m happy. Some people I’ve met don’t even class what I do as a job because when I’m working, I’m still fucking happy. I’m happy just being. I feel like shouting from the rooftops that people need to take chances and run while they can because its honestly the most freeing feeling to just, be. or bee. hahahaha nah but I feel like I’ve just discovered such a huge secret that is pretty obvious. To just live. Just be. Laugh at whatever makes you smile and just enjoy this life.
We are merely only a moment here, a speck on this earth. We are such a small fraction of this world and our lifetimes are so short but we drag out the shit parts and focus on negatives, I guess thats why it feels like we have time. I mean we have time, we have a fuck ton of time. We have nothing but time, but if we waste so much of it complicating things when its pretty simple – smile when things are good and continue to smile when things aren’t. Because as I’ve said before and I’ll say 1000 times more, hate can’t drive out hate, only love can do that.
I’m the first to put my hand up and say that I’ve struggled before. Everyone has something to their story that makes them, them. Somethings made you strong, somethings made you bitter. Someones hurt you, left you, loved you. Theres always something thats the defining factor of you. All that is you and all that you are… but you can’t sit around and blame that thing, whatever it is, for the reason you give up or continue. You can’t blame the world for how YOU choose to react to something. No one should be the reason you do things because if you keep putting your happiness in someone else’s hands, you’ll end up disappointed because they’re probably going to drop it every damn time and I think thats fair because you shouldn’t count on someone else to make YOU happy. People will always add something to your life but you need to be okay on your own first because ultimately you’re the only one who’s always going to back you and choose you, everyday.
I guess what I’ve learnt over the past 6 months and also 5 years is that you can’t just wait around for better days to come because you’ll be waiting a fucking long time. No one is going to make you feel better if you feel shit about things to begin with – they’ll probably distract you from your problems for awhile but at the end of the day, you still have to sleep at night. You still have to get up in the mornings and carry on somehow.
Anyways I kind of went off track but basically what I’m saying is if you aren’t happy in your story, change it. If you aren’t happy where you are, leave. Theres nothing wrong with running away. Worked pretty fucking well for me.
Who knows where I’ll end up, if I’ll ever get a degree or “make something of myself”,
All I know is that at the end of the day, if i go out smiling, thats what matters most to me.
“That’s the problem with putting others first – you’ve taught them you come second.”
I hate how much I second guess everything. Little changes in the way people word things or say things, a tone of voice, an emoji not sent. A message left on read. Dumb, gay, stupid shit that probably means nothing to normal people, mean so much more than it seems, to me.
No one should ever feel broken because of other people’s actions & trust shouldn’t be able to be lost so easily.
I feel like I’ve bitten off so much more than I can actually chew – with my job, stayin in syd longer, the people I’ve met, the ones I’ve let in and the ones I’ve pushed away. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life and right now I feel like such a disappointment. I don’t even truly know why because I work my fuckin ass off but I feel like I have nothing to show for it.
I’m so use to just saying what I need to to please everyone even if it isn’t pleasing me, I hate how comfortable I am with putting myself behind everyone else. I’d bend over backwards to make someone happy, even if it put me in so much pain while doing it… just because I am so familiar with feeling shit and hurt, I don’t want anyone else to feel like that. Which is so stupid and contradicts everything I’m even doing saying – I don’t want someone to feel as hurt as I have before, so I make sure they don’t, while I’m still hurting myself?
I’m so worried about going home, I hate this time of year because all I want is to be held by the one person who won’t ever hold me again. It’s the worst feeling to want something you can’t ever possibly have and it hurts even more when you see other fuckers take what you want & need, for granted.
Still, I know I need to remember not everyone knows what loss is like. I just wish they did before it’s too late.
5 years is a fuckin long time and it’s been so long I always worry that you’ve forgotten me. My laugh, my smile, the way I’d wrap my legs around yours just so you couldn’t leave the bed without me knowing. My little sayings and the giggle you loved so much. You were my safety blanket – everything. You held everything together and always made sure things were right. You played both mum & dad for me. Good cop, bad cop. We were best friends, mates. I could scream and yell and swear at you, you’d always just love me anyways. You knew me and you knew exactly what I was thinking or feeling without having to say a word. You never left me and if we both had our way, you never would have had to.
I hate the 1st of May. I hate that you died. I hate that I can’t talk to you and I hate that I just look for love in the worst ways. I hate that you aren’t here to talk things through with. I hate how easy I let people walk all over me and I hate that I can’t speak up about it.
I hate missing you.
I fucking hate this.
I have such good days but when the bad ones hit, it feels like they’ll never leave. I try and understand why things are the way they are and I guess, what I’ve learnt about myself is that I just give, because I know how it feels to want… but all I want is to be given the same amount back.
I just want to spend the rest of my life laughing and most days, I do a pretty good job… but some days, are rough days.
And today is a rough day.
“You said you liked storms so I let you in,
turns out you could only handle a little rain…
And I was a hurricane.”
Can you hear me laughing about how poor my effort of this consistent blogging thing is?! Obviously commitment isn’t a huge deal anymore with me!
Sorry fellas & fellets. (Is fellets even a word or am I just a lyrical genius?) I’ve been absolutely swamped with life lately and every second I’ve gotten spare, I’ve been shit & slack and haven’t written a damn fucking thing.
It’s a pretty big job I’ve got myself doing over here. It’s isn’t all nanny loves & roses. I legit actually don’t just fuck around all day even though my Snapchat story probably begs to differ. I’ve got 3 little muffins who I chase around trying to get to school on time, eat decent food, stay hygienic, run to after-school activity after activity (well driving is obviously faster honestly but picture me running there, it’s funnier). Every single day is a new challenge and I, no word of a lie, fall into bed at night and die.
Somehow I still maintain going to the gym almost 6 times a week, give or take a few days, I still have a reasonable social life and I haven’t died yet so I think I’m solidly living. My bank account is looking almost as good and as plump as my tooshie (which I might add, is fucking UGE…. that’s huge but without the H & its fucking cute when Aussie guys say it…okay cool, back to the this whole shit show of a post).
I’ve got my eyes set on Europe & if I ride at least one bike with a basket around in Paris, I will be one happy bird. Also see the northern lights, play in snow in Switzerland, dance down the streets of Barcelona, kiss someone beautiful at the Moulin Rouge, gondola ride through Venice. Ughhhhhhhhhh, HOLY FUCK GET ME TO EUROPE.
Anyways what other dumb updates do you not want to hear about at all but I’ll tell you about them anyways? Ahhhhhhhhh ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…
Oh yeah probably a big one that will come out soon is that, surprise! I’m not moving back to New Zealand. Ahahaha, legit had my flight booked and everything. I’d told everyone I knew that I was coming home and staying with the olds before I made my next life plans but then the other night while I was taking my muppets to their guitar lessons, something clicked and I knew I’d be making a huge mistake if I left this little Sydney adventure too early.
So I paid $150 to change my flight to a later day and booked a return flight back…. Britney does return flights? That’s bloody new 😳😂🤔
And just as I was ready to pack up my life again and leave, I started to meet some truly beautiful people here. A couple in particular are so familiar it honestly feels like time stands still when I’m with them but really it just speeds up. Hours go by in minutes. They make me believe in souls recognising eachother because there’s too many similarities between us, to not have had connected in the past. So fucking weird but it’s one of the coolest, indescribable feelings I’ve had.
But you’ll see me in Hawera for a few weeks at the end of April, unless you’re reading this & you’re from Sydney because then YOU physically won’t see me in hawera but that’s where I’ll be, hugging sheep, starring at my mountain and what not.
Anyways again, I haven’t written anything in so long & I’ve got so much deep, stupid gooey thoughts running out of my through my head and veins, this could be a very long post and I apologise (not even sorry though) in advance if it gets sickening and lovey.
I’m fucking happy. Genuinely happy. But more importantly, I’m finally just happy with me. I always put my happiness in someone else’s hands which is so dangerous because 9 times out of 10, they’ll drop it every time. Be selfish with your happiness and just make sure, at the end of the day… YOU are happy because of you… make sure you’ll always be okay.
I got a new tattoo. It’s a wish bone & it’s so significant and I legit am inlove.
I heard a quote a little while ago that was something along the lines of
“it’s easier to say I love you than to say I don’t.”
And I’ve truly never related to something so much for so long…not because that’s personally happened but because it’s so true, not just with relationships but just with life in general.
I think we tend to hold onto something so much tighter because it’s comfortable & familiar more than anything else. Like for example, when we were kids we would always play on the monkey bars at the playground, right. They were exciting and new when we first discovered them, took a bit of practice to get it down & after awhile our hands would hurt a bit, then eventually they’d get that weird scabby blister thing and but once they had healed up, we’d be off. We could monkey bar all day until our faces turned blue – because we were use to the motion and grip. We mastered those damn monkey bars. But eventually, you realise those monkey bars… they’re always going to the be same thing. Nothing changes. It’s boring. Rocking up to school everyday and seeing the same damn set of monkey bars. You know exactly how to do them, even with your eyes closed. Your hands are comfortable and you are use to it. It may be familiar but it doesn’t bring you any sort of challenge or even pleasure anymore.
Who knows what those monkey bars even signify, but one day you’ll find a set of “monkey bars” that challenge you, enough to keep it interesting but also enough to keep YOU interested.
The bad news is that nothing lasts forever, but I think that’s the good news too.
Don’t hang on to shit that isn’t meant for you. Sure, you had a good fuckin time with a guy or girl for awhile. You laughed a lot and they, at one point or another, meant the world to you. But something went wrong and probably felt wrong too. And all I know for sure is that when something feels wrong, it usually IS wrong. Holding onto something that isn’t meant for you, eventually just makes it worse. It’s legit like holding onto something that fucks you up so much more when you let go of it. Like broken glass. You pick up all the big chunks because they’re obvious, but glass is clear & it’s shatters into small pieces when it breaks. And when you squeeze onto it for while and then finally let go, all the little shards are stuck, hidden in that hand. It’s honestly sometimes easier just to pick up the broken glass and just throw it the fuck away… you’ll end up damaging yourself more in the process trying to put the pieces back together, bumping yourself on all the shattered edges, trying to fix it, then you would if you just threw it away.
I’m honestly obsessed with quotes and little quirky sayings. My Instagram is filled with so much positive shit, it’s almost rotten. But it’s something i love so much too. Like rip the piss, talk some shit about the stuff I say or do but honestly it’s pretty bloody #relatable. I’m not going to lie and can’t take all the genius credit because I find most of my shit off Pinterest but, I honestly heal so much more when I can express myself through quotes. Its honestly like someone captures my exact thoughts in one sentence or a paragraph & but they word it so much better than I ever could dream of doing.
A few people have commented on my writing & have told me they’re impressed. But I’ve said this before and I’ll continue to say it, I never started this blog to please anyone, except myself. I had so many jumbled thoughts in my head and I began writing stuff in my notes on my phone until one day, said fuck it… let’s just post it.
I’m genuine and my truest self… and I think that’s why people are so successful…Because I compete with no one, no one can compete with me. I’m not here to put anyone down or make anyone feel shit about their lives.. I solidly believe in rooting for eachother & watching eachother grow.
Mum wrote a note for me and ash a few days before she died.. I can’t quite remember what was on the note because we lost it just after she passed away with moving house and what not. But a few things I do remember from the note was her telling us behave, work hard, take care, treat others well – classic mum jargon. But at the very bottom she wrote:
“Always remember, beauty comes from within.”
I loved it. I love that. I love her. I can’t believe I was raised by someone like that. Her beauty and wisdom was second to none. And every little thing she taught me…like manners, respect, compassion, work ethic (ugh so much I can’t even explain) will always always always be instilled in me. I’m feel so blessed and so lucky. I completely 10000000000% believe you aren’t truly beautiful, unless your soul is beautiful. You could be absolutely dropped dead gorgeous, have a banging body etc, but if you don’t have it inside of you, you’ll just be looks. And looks fade. We’re all going to be old and ugly one day, but you need to find the one who is still going to do it for you just by being who they are.
There’s way too much hate in this world & hate can’t drive out hate…
Only love can do that.
No promises on when I’ll post next
But there will be a next time.
I absolutely hated when people would tell me that everything happens for a reason and timing is everything.
So much shit happens and there’s no good reason for it what so ever. (Well that’s what I use to think. I was so bitter that I didn’t look for the light. I hated everything which made everything else that followed, suck).
When you’re looking through a tunnel, all you can see is the distance ending. Tunnel vision is just one way sight, you can’t see what is around you. The light at the end of the tunnel is sometimes nice but what about everything in between? It’s not always about the destination, sometimes it’s all about the journey.
The end destination in life that we’ll all meet one way or another is death. We work our whole lives away to just eventually die. We get up early, work all day and go to sleep – just to die.
Well that’s actually just one way of looking at things really fucking negatively but I do have a point so bare with me.
We take life so seriously when all that’s going to happen is that we die. We aren’t here forever – whatever is happening, good or bad, is so temporary. Even if it feels like this won’t ever end, it will. The pain you’re feeling, that’ll pass. You’ll be happy again. You’ll probably be sad again too. And angry. And lonely. But you’ll be happy too. You’ll laugh & cry. Probably grumble as well..But those feelings will come in waves. Good times and bad – they’re important for us.
I guess it’s important that we have both the good and the bad. Because without that bad we truly don’t and won’t appreciate the good. Sounds so gay and loserish but it’s so bloody true.
Moving away from all of my family made me appreciate them so much more. Distancing yourself from what’s affecting you works wonders because you can see things so much clearer… Even from so far away.
I don’t really understand timing and how everything works out because not everything HAS worked out for me. But a few things have and I know now why some things fell to shit for me. Without the shit, I wouldn’t have grown or changed. I would still be a negative nacey instead of to positive polly that I am now.
Change is another scary thing for me. Well it use to scare the shit out of me. Even the littlest dumb shit. That would actually scare me the most…dumb shit like new classes & teachers, writing in a new book, trying on new clothes in shops, public toilets, getting a new netball uniform, shoe shopping – I was a wreck. I hated changed. I hated feeling vulnerable. So stupid, how did I even expect to grow?
Losing mum made me grow up fast. I didn’t realise it at the time but I was way ahead of my friends, maturity wise. Didn’t drink much, just kept to myself a lot. I started drinking a bit in my final year of school but that didn’t really help me. I was on such a high in the weekends but I came crashing down right after – back to my little broken heart.
I felt abandoned, in a room full of people who loved me. I wanted love from people who weren’t giving it to me or who I couldn’t get it from so I just overlooked the ones who were right beside me, because I knew they’d always be there.
Makes absolutely no sense and I still don’t understand what I was even thinking but I pushed so many people away for absolutely nothing.
I pushed out the love because I wanted a different love but that wasn’t the love I needed or was even going to get.
Dumb? Fuck yes.
You’ll never find the love you need by forcing love from someone. And that’s such an important thing to remember and realise. Love isn’t something you buy. It’s something you create, something that’s earned. But when loves forced, when people fall out of love – it’s not the same. It doesn’t feel the same. It’s like trying to squish a square into a circle.
Nooooot a chance, not matter how hard you try.
Let that shit go. You’ll find something better, when you aren’t even looking. You don’t neeeeed to be with someone. You need to be with yourself.
Timing is everything.
But not everything makes sense at the time.
When everything’s taken away from you and all your options are taken down to the number zero, the only option from here is to feel it. So understand how you’re feeling and just feel exactly the way you do – just bee.
Be confronted with this feeling. Maybe you’re angry, numb, sad, lonely. I don’t know what you’re feeling but whatever it is; feel it. It’ll pass. All I know and have learnt is this bad shit happens fast – but rebuilding things is slow – have patience.
Mum died almost 5 years ago and I still don’t see the silver lining behind it. I actually don’t think I ever will see one because there isn’t really anything that can be good about that whole situation..
But there are other things that truly do make sense, in time.
Have a little faith.
Wait it out.